So no one told you life was gonna be this way…
Here we are again, SaysWhovia! Back on the sofa at the Says Who coffee shop!
What? You never noticed the coffee shop? It’s always been here.
Always.
And there’s Dan and Maureen drinking out of really big mugs! They’re here to walk you through the week’s events including when you'll finally be able to get that facial and go bowling in Georgia. Or, the history of Pier 1 Imports! And the show Friends!
Dan doesn’t know anything about Friends, and that’s a lot of what this episode is. Because, quarantine! Find out just how much Dan doesn’t know about Friends, and witness the development of Dark Friends, where six friends live out quarantine and maybe do some murders.
... We'll be there for you Sayswhovians, 'cause you're there for us too.
Dan:
This episode of Says Who is brought to you by you, through your support at our Patreon at Patreon... Oh, no. Are you coughing?
Maureen:
I'm fine.
Dan:
Uh-oh.
Maureen:
No, I'm just clearing my...
Dan:
Uh-oh. Oh, no.
Maureen:
It's making me cough when you do that stuff.
Dan:
Oh, no. Stop.
Maureen:
I'm...
Dan:
Oh, no.
Maureen:
It's fine.
Dan:
Oh, no. Through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho. Every Sunday of this lockdown. So who knows? Maybe every Sunday for the rest of our lives.
Maureen:
Or just one more week.
Dan:
Sure. There is bonus episodes of Says Who going up on Sunday. Sunday quarantine editions going up for our Town Watch supporters on Patreon. That is $5 a month and up. You get us on Sunday as well as on Wednesday. That sounds great.
Maureen:
It sounds great.
Dan:
I meant that. I meant that inflection. That sounds great. Oh, no.
Maureen:
I'm fine. It's fine.
Dan:
Okay. Do your ad.
Maureen:
Oh, right. Books. Look, everybody knows about books.
Dan:
I thought that was the ad.
Maureen:
Well, it was but I'm saying people know about books, right?
Dan:
It's amazing how little we've retained during this time. People may have forgotten about books entirely.
Maureen:
This is your moment. You're stuck inside. Get to know a book series. There's never been a better time, never. Literally never has there been a better time to get invested in a book. Can you think of any time that has been better to get invested in a book series?
Dan:
Gutenberg Printing Press? That was probably a good time to get invested in... When they first invented printing, that was probably a pretty sweet time to get into a book.
Maureen:
I mean, those were pretty expensive. They weren't that...
Dan:
A lot cheaper than illuminated manuscripts, Maureen Johnson.
Maureen:
Not that much. They're still very expensive. I would say now is really the best time-
Dan:
In the pocket of a big monk.
Maureen:
Not a lot of series then, Dan. A lot of stand-alones.
Dan:
True. It's true. It's really only the Bible and that was it. But hey, it was cheaper.
Maureen:
There's no space opera. There's no novels at that point. It didn't exist yet. So by definition a bad time to get involved in a book series.
Dan:
True.
Maureen:
I'm just saying.
Dan:
If we're going with series, you're right, you're right.
Maureen:
I am. I'm just saying.
Dan:
Do you know any good book series, Maureen?
Maureen:
Yes.
Dan:
Great. Just checking.
Maureen:
Books.com/sayswho. For 500 free books, get truly devious now and get 500 boxes of Blue Apron books.
Dan:
You can also use books to shove underneath your monitor to get a better head neck situation if nothing else once you finish them. They still can be useful.
Maureen:
Or once you finish reading a book, you shove it under your cloth mask as a filter.
Dan:
That's a thick filter.
Maureen:
Yep.
Dan:
You could go out a couple of times with that.
Maureen:
Yep.
Dan:
Books. Hey.
Maureen:
Hey.
Dan:
This is Dan again.
Maureen:
Oh.
Dan:
Hey.
Maureen:
Hey.
Dan:
I want to tell... Whoa. Hey.
Maureen:
Hey.
Dan:
And I want to tell you about the Says Who merch store at merch, that is M-E-R-C-H .sayswhopodcast.com. You can get all sorts that Says Who Podcast things. You can get mugs. We have three different kinds. You can get shirts. You can get a Meet You at the Haunted Mansion fanny pack and you can get, these aren't bright guys and things just got out of hand, face coverings so that you can cover your face. Merch, M-E-R-C-H .sayswhopodcast.com.
Drive Thru Kid:
Hello. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order please?
The Passenger:
Hey, kid. I'm going to have a black and white shake.
Drive Thru Kid:
That's not even a thing we have. We're not supposed to be open.
The Passenger:
Grilled chicken sandwich.
Drive Thru Kid:
Even if we were supposed... We do have that.
The Passenger:
Pizza burger.
Drive Thru Kid:
That's not anything that we sell.
The Passenger:
[crosstalk 00:05:07]
Drive Thru Kid:
We weren't even open until that executive order that opened us up, and now you're ordering things that we don't even have on the menu normally. We have six things in here total. Some meat patties and spray.
The Passenger:
Hey, kid.
Drive Thru Kid:
Does that sound okay? We have like one... What?
The Passenger:
I'm really glad you're open. Good to see you, kid.
Drive Thru Kid:
It's not good for us to be open.
The Passenger:
Why is that?
Drive Thru Kid:
We're supposed to be practicing social distancing in order to flatten the curve but your boss opened this McDonald's so now I'm here working.
The Passenger:
I mean, I guess the good news is it's only this McDonald's.
Drive Thru Kid:
I mean, that's not good news for me.
The Passenger:
No, it's not. But he wanted a cheeseburger so he had Congress opened you. So that's something.
Drive Thru Kid:
I mean, okay.
The Passenger:
I mean, it's not nothing, kid, is it?
Drive Thru Kid:
I mean, it's not helping.
The Passenger:
I mean, aren't you glad to be back at work instead of being in quarantine? I mean, it's got to be more more fun for you? More side-
Drive Thru Kid:
No. I want to be safe. I feel like I'm not safe in this situation and yet here we are.
The Passenger:
Is it because everybody is coming to this-
Drive Thru Kid:
Could you place an order?
The Passenger:
... McDonald's now. There's a line of people I just saw go in the front door. Those people are all coughing that just went in. They're on the way to a protest and they just wanted to fuel up before they went out with there signs and protest against social distancing. Kid, you want to climb out the window here and just get in the back of my car and I can get you out of here?
Drive Thru Kid:
Only if you can do this contactless?
The Passenger:
I'll pop the trunk.
Drive Thru Kid:
Okay. Drive thru please.
Dan:
Welcome to Says Who, the podcast that isn't a podcast.
Maureen:
It's a coping strategy. I'm Maureen Johnson and I'm just clearing my throat.
Dan:
It's not good. Oh, It's not good. I am Dan Sinker. Maureen Johnson. Tell me that it's just dry air or something.
Maureen:
Oh, what it is, it's allergies that are kicked up by the fact that we just had a tornado warning. So it's just-
Dan:
Perfect.
Maureen:
It's just that-
Dan:
That's what y'all needed.
Maureen:
Dan, let me tell you a little bit about the day. So it's really perfect allergy weather because it's kind of wet and windy and you get that kind of [polleny 00:08:36] stuff in there. So it's just me trying to clear my throat.
Dan:
Yeah. It has been windy here for two days and I feel like death.
Maureen:
So I went to Walgreens again today. I don't want to brag.
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
Yep. I went to get my medication. Not that medication, a different one. So I got my gear on, put a mask on my mask. Seriously I had two masks on.I have N95, but then I have to protect it so I had a cloth went over that. And then I went out in the rain and I almost passed out in Walgreens because when you have a mask on a mask and you're already pretty warm, you can barely breathe in there. So you're like [inaudible 00:09:23]. So it was like-
Dan:
You get wet too. That's going to help.
Maureen:
Yeah. I was trying to keep it dry, but it was like I had a rain forest over my face, but not like a good rain forest. A little rain forest hat. It made it harder to breathe instead of easy. It's not a rain forest because rain forests help you breathe. It's not a rain forest. It's something else that's over your face that it's two masks. It's two masks. I'm not trying to brag here. I got toilet paper when I was there.
Dan:
Whoa. You just walked into Walgreens and walked out with toilet paper?
Maureen:
They've got it there. They had it last time too.
Dan:
Wow.
Maureen:
I think that we aren't really going in any stores here so if you go in, you can buy one and so I bought one. Oscar was confused. He's like, "Don't we have some? And I was like, "Dude, if I see some, I am buying another pack because just because we have six rolls left, does not mean we don't buy more."
Dan:
That's an outing saved right now.
Maureen:
Oh, because you can't get that delivered.
Dan:
You're going to save yourself a week or two from now.
Maureen:
Oh, yeah. There's no delivery services to have it, but you can get a roll. You can get a pack if you go to Walgreens. I was telling this story about how I went last week to get my prescription. I suited up and I got all the way over there only to get nine pills, nine Plaquenil pills. So I take this medication. I need a lot more than nine pills, but I got a thing that was like, "Your refill is in.: I went over. I was all suited up, N95 mask, gloves, whole hazmat suit kind of thing on. I go up to the barricade and they push it out. I look and there was this little nine pills rattling around in the jar. I'm staring at the nine pills, Dan with my gloved hand looking over the domed edge of my ancient N95 mask that I've been wearing multiple times a day for a month.
Maureen:
I'm looking at the jar and what comes on the the speaker of the Walgreens is (singing). The Friends theme literally starts playing as I'm staring at my nine pills. So no one told you life was going to be this way. It was a little on the nose.
Dan:
A little on the nose.
Maureen:
Dan, did you ever watch Friends?
Dan:
I did not.
Maureen:
Yeah, I was going to say you strike me as that one person-
Dan:
I never ever watched Friends.
Maureen:
You've probably never seen Friends.
Dan:
I've never seen a full episode of Friends in my entire life. Certainly it is one of those things that has has been on TVs that I've been adjacent to, but I've never sat down and watched an entire episode of Friends from start to finish.
Maureen:
I think I've accidentally-
Dan:
In fact, I could probably only name two Friends.
Maureen:
I think I've accidentally seen them all, but not really... I don't know how. It's just one of those things that sort of happened to me. Through Friends, I had a roommate that really liked it. So I ended up maybe following it for a season because she liked it and then I was like, "Well, I guess I want to know what happens." Friends started before I moved to New York. But some of the time I was in New York overlaps with Friends. So as they kind of, "This is what it's like living in New York." There's always that resentment of watching it from New York and being like that is not at all what everything is like. That's not what Friends are like and that's not what New York is like.
Maureen:
Recently, I went back for some reason. This was eight months ago or something back when things were different and I had a little sniffle or a cold one night and I was like I just need to take a break for an hour. It had just shown up on, I guess Netflix. Out of curiosity I was like, "I think I'm going to go back and watch the very first one just to see what it looked like." Just to see if there was any weird New York stuff in there. They go to the emergency room in that first episode. For some reason, I have no idea what the plot was and I became very fixated that in the back of the emergency room, there are these vending machines. One only sells milk and the other sells apples and oranges. I couldn't get it out of my head. Guess what you want?
Dan:
That is a set dresser that really loves their job. I don't know. I'll just fucking fill it full of milk.
Maureen:
There are scenes in which Monica works in a... She's a chef. She works in a restaurant and she and another friend are cooks in a restaurant and the set for their kitchen, those like kind of '90s, what would have they have called them like a baker's rack with overly ornate wrought iron, green wrought iron and some wicker.
Dan:
Oh, yeah. I can picture that.
Maureen:
Something that you might see as a decoration in the front of the olive garden.
Dan:
Or was on the set of cooking with Rachael Ray or something.
Maureen:
Right. It's more ornamental. It's one of those and then there's like lots of bottles. Again, this is directly basically imagine the lobby... I guess what I'm saying is imagine the lobby of an Olive Garden. So there's lots of those decorative bottles of peppers floating in liquid and just lemons and pieces of citrus that are in bottles that will never be used. And lots of boxes of pasta. That's the kitchen set and she and her chef friend are wearing big chef hats like Chef Boyardee kind of big chef hats.
Dan:
Like they're working the omelet bar at a high-end hotel?
Maureen:
Correct. They've got those on and they're in front of these kind of Pier 21. Is it Pier 21? Pier 19. That store.
Dan:
Are you talking about Pier 1 imports?
Maureen:
It's one, isn't it?
Dan:
Pier 1 imports.
Maureen:
I was trying to think what the number was.
Dan:
It's just Pier 1.
Maureen:
It's one.
Dan:
It's the first pier.
Maureen:
Just out of 21, 19, I was going to get there eventually if I named all the numbers. So this kind of Pier 1 rack with these ornamental bottles of peppers and big chef hats and that's the kitchen set. It's fascinating. It's kind of weird.
Dan:
At about the same time that that show would have been on, my roommate, we were like 20 nothing, very broke. She was often looking for a new job. I think she worked in a catering or something at the time. So there were two jobs. One she would get drunk and almost always start to head down the stairs and out the door to go apply for a job at the Dunkin Donuts down the street from us because it was so poorly run. I remember one time just begging like grabbing her arm and begging her to turn around because she should not apply for that job.
Dan:
The other job that she would... I think this was more of a me teasing her to apply was to apply for a job at Pier 1 imports and I always said that in your cover letter you should say that it would allow you to fulfill your lifelong love of wicker.
Maureen:
It's so true. Has that store shut down? Is it still good?
Dan:
I have no idea but I think it is sort of like... I think the modern equivalent of a Pier 1 imports is Cost Plus World Market. They're essentially the same store, right?
Maureen:
Yeah. Because there was one in New York up until not that long ago and it's gone. I don't know what's there.
Dan:
Pier 1 imports, for for those of you that don't remember, I think it basically sold nothing but-
Maureen:
Papasan chairs.
Dan:
... wicker furniture and futons. That was like before you could buy a futon anywhere, you would buy one at Pier 1 imports.
Maureen:
Yeah. That is where-
Dan:
I was bragging I got my first futon.
Maureen:
That's where we bought our papasan chair.
Dan:
What is a papasan chair? Is it one of those round chairs with a futon in it?
Maureen:
Yeah. So it's like a cup. So it's a little wicker base and then on it is just like this wicker bowl with a with a round cushion in it. It slides around so you can tip it up or tip it down as you like. I owned one of these. This was like the first piece of "furniture" that I bought was a... Ooh, there's a helicopter outside.
Dan:
Oh god. It's good. That'll go well with the tornado.
Maureen:
It's definitely got the dog's attention. It's really loud. Hold on, I got to look out the window because we haven't heard helicopters for a while so that usually means that something's happening. Anyway, you guys, it's fine. So I had one of these papasan chairs. I was like, "I'm an adult. I bought a chair." I mean sure, it's a papasan chair but it's my chair, my goddamn chair. I bought it. I'm an adult. So I at the time was living with a girl who shall be... We're going to give her a fake name. We're going to call her Crisinda. She was a goddamn nightmare. She was the worst, Dan. This was after college. I'd gone to college with her and I needed someone to take this other slot in this apartment that I was renting. Crisinda is like, "Well, I need a roommate too." I'm like, "Why don't we live together?"
Maureen:
The first night that I went to move in, a mutual friend shows up at our door. My friends are helping me move in and this other friend shows up and says, "I found her in my shrubs." And she presents to me a crying Crisinda who has attempted to get to her ex-boyfriend. She was obsessed with her ex-boyfriend and she got really drunk and collapsed in the shrubs in front of a mutual friend's house. And then just began to start screaming. Every day I lived with her, it was like that. She had a cat.
Maureen:
We had one party one time and Crisinda got so drunk that I was then summoned to the back bedroom where apparently she had thrown another girl against the wall and was about to choke her because she had "been possessed with the spirit of Titania". This is what I was living with, Dan.
Dan:
Oh.
Maureen:
Yeah. When she got drunk, she was possessed by fairies. So I was like that's ungreat.
Dan:
Oh no.
Maureen:
So anyway, Dan, Crisinda had a cat and I love all cats. There's just no cats I don't like but this cat, Dan, this cat was the cat embodiment of Crisinda. A very violent beast it was. It only allowed Crisinda anywhere near it. Everyone else, this cat would cut you. Absolutely cut you to shreds. Very mean cat. I got my papasan chair and that cat was like, "Thanks for the chair, bitch." That cat got in that chair and never got out. I could never sit in it because that cat was like, "Well, this is my bed." I mean, I could understand why the cat would like. It's a good bed for a cat. It's a big dish. It's just a big scoopy bed that they can lay in and just shed in and scratch.
Maureen:
If you got near it, then you would just get a claw to the face. So I never got to sit in my... Oh yeah. It would pee in it. I just could never get near the papasan chair. It stank real bad. So I never really got to use my papasan chair from Pier 1. Were we talking about something, Dan?
Dan:
We were talking about the TV show Friends which was a branch out from a discussion of your trip to Walgreens.
Maureen:
(singing)
Dan:
I just traced us all the way back. I left little bread crumbs. There you go.
Maureen:
Worst song ever, right?
Dan:
Maureen Johnson.
Maureen:
I want to see a Friends reunion episode that's just the Friends going through the pandemic.
Dan:
As you were beginning to say that you watched the first episode and they had to go to the ER, I had a flash in my head for a new show simply called Dark Friends.
Maureen:
Please tell me all about Dark Friends.
Dan:
It just goes from there, but doesn't really get better. It's just dark. It's just not good. I mean it essentially is what we are living through now, right? They're just barely existing. They're certainly not sitting on a couch at a café.
Maureen:
Same character?
Dan:
That was the main thrust of that show, right? Oh yeah, sure. Let's go with the same characters.
Maureen:
They just had this coffee shop. Back when coffee shops and oversized coffee mugs were like, "This mug is so big, so big."
Dan:
You talking about that. W was the name of the chair? I never knew that chair had a name.
Maureen:
Papasan.
Dan:
A papasan chair.
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
And the oversized coffee mugs which I vividly remember a cafe in Chicago that had oversized coffee mugs and I thought that was the greatest. I was like drinking coffee out of a soup bowl. There was a lot that was ridiculously oversized in the '90s.
Maureen:
Yep.
Dan:
It's weird now when I think about it. What was that about? Also, even clothing was fairly... Well, not even fairly. Think of all the raver clothes.
Maureen:
Big.
Dan:
They're all walking around in pants that were four times the size of our bodies.
Maureen:
Dan, we're doing what we did last week.
Dan:
Yeah, but we're 20 years ahead.
Maureen:
(singing) Is there news? Are we talking news, Dan? Are we?
Dan:
Well, Maureen.
Maureen:
Do SaysWhovians want news or do they just want to hear about shit we remember?
Dan:
You know what is interesting to me, Maureen Johnson, prior to this whole thing, I'm waving my hands in the air as I say that, just weeks before this whole thing, the impeachment was happening and I was paying attention to the news for 10 to 12 hours a day most days. Every now and then, other than sort of looking at infection numbers tick up, the amount of news that I am consuming is remarkably small. I think that a lot of it just has to do with the fact that I have wracked my focus so tiny now. The entire world is my house and what is happening beyond this house is it feels very abstract. In the three and a half years that we have now done this podcast, I think I have never had a time where I am watching the news and paying attention to the news less than I am right now. It's weird.
Maureen:
Well, that's nice.
Dan:
It's not nice.
Maureen:
It's nice.
Dan:
I don't know that it's nice. There's no part of it that I think is nice, but I've been very conscious of it in the last week or so where it's like... I used to wake up every morning. I don't follow the President of the United States on Twitter because that feels too much.
Maureen:
There's no point, no.
Dan:
But I used to wake up and one of the first things that I do is I would search to locate his account twice a day and just to see like I'd check it in the morning and then unusually check it kind of partway through the day just to see what the fuck is happening with this motherfucker today. I do not do that ever. There is no one in all of this that feels less relevant to me than the President of the United States which is fucking weird.
Maureen:
Yep. That's a fair statement, Dan.
Dan:
Especially because I was tracking his every word two months ago when the impeachment was still happening. I guess it was more than two months now. Yeah, just a little over two months ago. That's hard to fathom that this person who has been so central for all of this time has... And yet he's not gone away, right?? He's on fucking TV every goddamn night now running his own little fucking weird gas light show.
Maureen:
It's true.
Dan:
Nobody is listening to this man anymore.
Maureen:
No, not really. I've mentioned before the mysterious Trump-loving relative and I've had to speak to mysterious Trump-loving relative, and I've had to express the fact that I was having a little bit of trouble because from some of my drugs, which is not a big problem in the grand scheme of things for the world. It's just for me personally, it's very hard to get things done if you're on top of every-
Dan:
It's not a good situation for you.
Maureen:
Well, it means that I'm trying to do 20 different things to secure the house door in the middle of a pandemic where we live in the center of the pandemic with 40% of the energy and kind of weird roving flares that it turns out that that medication was really good at holding down. I am on a half dose now. So the Trump-loving relative has admitted to me today that Trump is not... "I'm not saying he's perfect." I was like fair, fair.
Dan:
Wow.
Maureen:
I don't think Trump-loving relative likes Trump. I don't think Trump-loving relative wanted Trump. Trump-loving relative is one of those obsessed with Hillary Clinton types. Even in the middle of what was going on the other day, he said, "At least it's not Hillary." I was like...
Dan:
Oh, boy.
Maureen:
You know what I mean. Maybe we can get to that part of the newsstand because the real true believers are out and they have a message, Dan, and that message is, "I need a haircut."
Dan:
Yeah. This week we have begun to see, I guess, pro-Coronavirus protests. I don't know even what to call them [crosstalk 00:31:24] because it seems... Yeah. But your usual suspects of a combination of gun nuts and racists, and women with frosted tip haircuts, out on the streets in many different states at this point. Some protests in tiny numbers like counted in the dozens. Others have been larger and the very first one in Michigan and there was one yesterday in Pennsylvania that was fairly sizable. But they are out there demanding that they get to go back to the Bass Pro Shop, into Baskin-Robbins and to get haircuts.
Maureen:
You know, Dan, I don't know-
Dan:
It seems great.
Maureen:
... if you ever watched Arrested Development but there's a character named Job who his career he's a magician and he is a stage magician and he's part of the Magician's Alliance. There's a very famous photo from the show of the Magician's Alliance posing on the steps of City Hall and it's like stage magician is a clown somebody dressed as a wizard. All these people all clustered together and Job is holding up a sign that says, "We demand to be taken seriously." I've never seen anything quite so literally like that photo as these people holding up signs.
Maureen:
Here's a couple weird things about it. First of all, some of these protesters are wearing boiler suits and N95 masks while they're protesting, while holding signs that say COVID is a lie. I don't know. There's so much going on there, I will never know where to begin with that. That's unfathomable. Let's just move on. They're protesting, some of them in their cars. They were just like we're just going to all drive around real slow on gear holding up signs that just about generally freedom, America. And on some of them are actually out on the steps of City Hall and some of them do have signs that say things like, "I need a haircut."
Maureen:
That seems to be a big concern for a lot of them is that they need a haircut. Now, do I understand people's anxiety about going back? Of course, we all have that anxiety about things functioning and going back to work. That is understood by everybody. There is literally no one who doesn't get it, literally no one. I mean, there's no but, Dan. There's a pandemic going on. Fuck off. I mean, all you're going to-
Dan:
Right. So that's the thing. Nobody is fucking sitting around being like, "This is awesome. What we're doing right now, this is the best. I've been dreaming of this moment forever. I've always wanted to Lysol my groceries and now I can."
Maureen:
I've always wanted to stay inside. Hey, no, no. Hey. Sorry someone is trying to eat a carpet pad. It's not me, Dan. It's the dog. Now, you quit that.
Dan:
Good. I hope you could hold off on that until we're done recording.
Maureen:
I thought you were sleeping girl. You look like you were ready for a nap. Someone's not napping, Dan.
Dan:
It's how she gets you.
Maureen:
And there's no-
Dan:
You'll rope-a-dope maneuver there.
Maureen:
Daddy is on a Zoom call for work because daddy is on full-on work meetings all day like he's at his job. And so yours truly is with this little goofball, while she's also working. Anyway, Dan.
Dan:
The thing about these protests, Maureen is that you would think that this is a self-solving problem with people going out in masks during a pandemic of a virus with which there is no immunity or vaccine. But the problem is that the people that are going to pay the price for their fucking insistence that they get a haircut are the frontline workers who are going to be swamped with sick morons in two weeks.
Maureen:
Yes.
Dan:
But it's working.
Maureen:
Yeah, it is.
Dan:
The President of the United States is getting on Twitter and essentially calling for sedition which seems great. That seems like a great and normal and wonderful thing for the President of the United States to be doing. And while your state is a member now of an alliance of states in the Northeast and there's an alliance of states in the West and there is an alliance of states here in the Midwest, all of whom have said, "They will coordinate what they're calling reopening among themselves. The southern states are largely gearing up to get back to it with Georgia leading the charge. They are opening for business on Friday.
Dan:
Maureen, this is the list of businesses that Georgia is going to reopen. So first, no bars or nightclubs or operators of amusement park rides and no live performance venues. So those are out. This is what's in. Gyms and fitness centers, bowling alleys, body art studios, barbers, cosmetologists and hair designers, nail care artists, aesthetician and their respective schools, and massage therapists.
Maureen:
There's a real obvious thing to say about those things which I'm not going to say. I'm going to say the second most obvious thing which is that those things are... There should be a list that's called 100% guaranteed ways of getting coronavirus. And that would be getting your nails done while you're sitting... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. No, no, no. We're not doing that right now, Dan. Someone wants to play. Someone has decided she's awake.
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
100% guaranteed ways of for example a facial because estheticians do facials generally and that's going to be a real bad. What you need right now is Botox and a manicure because you're going to look good on that ventilator. Dan, it's not great is it?
Dan:
No. Literally the list is all jobs that involve touching people. I mean, nothing should be reopening especially in Georgia where cases are still increasing.
Maureen:
Georgia never really closed.
Dan:
Georgia is not over any hump. Georgia is not over a hump when it comes to fucking coronavirus cases by any measure. There are 20,000 cases there. Atlanta is an enormous city and there is no sign that things are waning and yet they are saying, "Hey, come get a facial and a tattoo."
Maureen:
Some people really do take the lead of the government advice. So if they hear that the government is like it's safe like we're opening these places, some people just assume it's safe to go. Not unreasonably.
Dan:
Sure. No, no.
Maureen:
So they'll be like, "Okay. I'm going to go to the nail salon. I'm going to go get my-"
Dan:
I'm going to the nail salon then I'm going to put on someone else's shoes and go bowling. I'm going to stick my fingers into urethane ball that someone else has stuck their fingers in and go bowling.
Maureen:
Bowling. That's so confusing, bowling. Bowling?
Dan:
A sport that entirely involves borrowing clothing and sticking your hands in balls.
Maureen:
Not even an outdoor sport?
Dan:
No. Being in a poorly ventilated space.
Maureen:
Like for example swimming. Genuinely unclear to me whether or not a heavily chlorinated pool would kill...
Dan:
Right.
Maureen:
I'm not getting in them but I'm just saying. That's something where I'm like, "I have no idea. I don't know if chlorine kills it or what." I don't know if the concentration is high enough or whatever. But of all the things like maybe baseball you would think like something that you're in a field and you're far apart or golf. I don't know.
Dan:
When they were coming up with this list, did they just have... Is there one guy in Georgia who's like, "Dammit, I really hope we could have got kissing booths back on here." That's like the one thing that's not on this fucking list at this point.
Maureen:
I'm going to go lick my neighbor.
Dan:
What the fuck?
Maureen:
People I know-
Dan:
I guess they don't have dentists. Dentists aren't on this list.
Maureen:
People I know in Georgia definitely been reporting that the state definitely is not taking it seriously. They haven't really been doing anything differently.
Dan:
Yeah. It is wild. It is insane to me to think that somebody's going to go get their fucking cuticles cleaned out on Friday in Georgia.
Maureen:
Hey, Georgia. If you're listening, don't, don't do this. No.
Dan:
We're all going to be watching those numbers with terror in two weeks. Good Lord.
Maureen:
I mean are people forgetting that this isn't a one wave thing that it's a virus.
Dan:
Right. We are so lucky that the numbers are... The numbers are horrible. And so luck isn't even the right way to put it, but the numbers could be much higher and they are only being held down to 40,000 at this point because of the social distancing efforts that are working in many places.
Maureen:
Yeah, people...
Dan:
This is exactly what people were warned about was like if we do this all right, people will say, "Why did we have to do it?"
Maureen:
That's how this works.
Dan:
And we haven't even done it all right.
Maureen:
It's not like the virus is like, "Oh, you got me. I'm going to stop trying." It's a virus.
Dan:
It's a fucking virus.
Maureen:
It just keeps going.
Dan:
It does one thing.
Maureen:
It does one thing.
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
In these places where things are going to be relaxed, you're suddenly going to see a boom and it's horrible, it's horrific. Nobody likes this. I don't want to say nobody. There might be one or two people who are like, "I could roll with this." Not all aspects of being inside are trying to make the best of it, but nobody wants this. Nobody wants this. You're not unique in not wanting it. But I mean the lieutenant governor of Texas did say something truly unusual today that you don't hear very often, which I believe the quote was, "Some things are more important than living." Wrap your brain around that one for a little bit, Dan.
Dan:
Republican Party is a death cult at this point, Maureen.
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
It's the only thing that explains it.
Maureen:
Yeah. I think it has gone full cults at this point, aspects of it and there are people that would have identified as Republicans who I think are still trying to grapple with how that works for them. I just wanted fiscal conservatism and now suddenly... There's things like the president is calling for insurrections and there's people saying there's things more important than living. Oh, and apparently yesterday there was a declaration to end literally all immigration or I don't know.
Dan:
Yeah. All immigration. In theory all immigration is being stopped into the United States of America. A country that is largely built by immigrants. It's not good.
Maureen:
Dan, do you want to go back and talk about Pier 1?
Dan:
That's where I feel bad about not thinking about this motherfucker because that's what he's hoping. That's where fucking suddenly Stephen Miller like pats his little greasy head and is like, "All right. Let's ban immigration because no one is paying attention to us anymore. Let's just do it."
Maureen:
I think it's important to say always that, "Fuck all Nazis." I feel like we just need to keep repeating the basics. (singing) I guess the most ominous part of that song is the incredibly organized hand clapping.
Dan:
There's some people chained in a basement that we're trained to do that.
Maureen:
Definitely the whole thing about that show was that they were friends. So no matter what, they would be like, "I love you sweetie."
Dan:
You could literally tell me anything about Friends and I would believe you. So I have no idea if you're setting up a joke about that show and they didn't like each other.
Maureen:
No, they like each other.
Dan:
I'm lost to it.
Maureen:
Quite famously there's-
Dan:
There's a large swath of 1990s pop culture that is entirely lost on me.
Maureen:
There's a whole-
Dan:
Friends is really like tip of that spear.
Maureen:
There's a whole subplot in which one of the characters gives birth to her brother's baby.
Dan:
Really?
Maureen:
This is new game called am I lying or am I not lying about actual things from Friends? Okay, question one.
Dan:
I will fail this game completely.
Maureen:
There is a subplot in which a character gives birth to her brother's baby.
Dan:
Can I ask follow-up questions or do I have to just take it at face value? Because I do feel like the idea of surrogates and things was big in the '90s so I'm going to go with true.
Maureen:
It is true.
Dan:
Really?
Maureen:
She was the surrogate for her brother's... Yes.
Dan:
Wow.
Maureen:
Yep. Question two.
Dan:
All right. I'm at a hundred.
Maureen:
There's an entire subplot in which one of the characters is suspected of multiple murders.
Dan:
That seems like a classic '90s sitcom setup, so yes, true.
Maureen:
False. No, I just made that one up.
Dan:
Oh.
Maureen:
One of the characters owns a monkey.
Dan:
Definitely, true.
Maureen:
True. Ross owns a monkey.
Dan:
Wow that was one of the two character's names that I knew.
Maureen:
Yep.
Dan:
Ross and Rachel. I know those two.
Maureen:
One of the characters dates Tom Selleck.
Dan:
That seems true. Also, I would go with that. I do have knowledge of the 1990s and so there was a lot of like bringing back famous actors of the '80s and '70s, so I feel like Tom Selleck totally would have been a revival character.
Maureen:
Yep. It's because Monica dates, his name is Richard and he is her father's best friend so it's weird because he's a lot older than she is.
Dan:
That's gross.
Maureen:
There's a lot of kind of creepy stuff in it, yeah. I think I forget everything else about it.
Dan:
Yeah. But you could just be making shit up. I would literally have no idea. They drank coffee and there were like six of them. That's all I know about the show.
Maureen:
There's an entire subplot in which one of the characters is presumed dead for four episodes because the actual performer was at rehab.
Dan:
I believe that 100% true.
Maureen:
False. Matthew Perry was in rehab but they did not pseudo kill off Chandler.
Dan:
That would have happened in Dark Friends though.
Maureen:
That would have happened in Dark Friends, for sure. In Dark Friends, Phoebe would have given birth to her brother's child, but there would be no surrogacy involved which would be straight up character.
Dan:
Oh, boy. Oh, no.
Maureen:
It would be Joey did commit the murders or murders that Joey did commit-
Dan:
The real game should be Friends or Dark Friends.
Maureen:
In Dark Friends, Phoebe drives around in an ambulance for funsies which she has retrofitted to play ice cream truck it sounds.
Dan:
I want to watch Dark Friends now.
Maureen:
Dark Friends is a good show. Okay. Dark Friends are real friends. There is a one episode subplot about how one of the characters goes to a tailor who is also a molester.
Dan:
Wait. Is that on the real show?
Maureen:
That's on the real Friends. Dark Friends are real friends.
Dan:
Oh, no. That's going to be real-
Maureen:
That's real friends, Dan. It's real friends.
Dan:
Oh, no.
Maureen:
It's real friends.
Dan:
Do you remember in the 1980s, sitcoms oriented toward kids where they would try to put messages like give you important life messages because we were all just raised by the TV?
Maureen:
A Very Special Episode?
Dan:
Yeah. Do you remember the episode of Diff'rent Strokes where Willis and Arnold end up in some dude's apartment?
Maureen:
With a child molester?
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
Who gives them wine?
Dan:
He's having them watch Fritz the Cat and drink wine.
Maureen:
Yep.
Dan:
That episode fucked me up.
Maureen:
I need to do more research and we'll have an entire episode that's just Dark Friends or real friends like a bonus episode of me trying to remember various plot.
Dan:
This is a perfect Town Watch episode. SaysWhovians, Says Who is made possible before by whatever. The words are not working now, but you make this happen through Patreon.
Maureen:
That was good, Dan.
Dan:
At patreon.com/sayswho and every Sunday of lockdown, and we're talking real states lockdowns. You get a special episode from us if you are a Town Watch supporter or above that is $5 a month or above. This coming Sunday, we answer the question that perhaps all of you have been wondering which is Says Who podcast has always had as its end date the end of the Trump presidency in whatever form that takes and at that point we are dropping everything and going to Disney World. And what happens if it's soon because Disney World is closed? We discuss that in this Sunday's very special episode of the Town Watch Says Who.
Dan:
Patreon.com/sayswho. An additional reminder, you can buy Says Who merchandise at merch. That is M-E-R-C-H .sayswhopodcast.com including these aren't bright guys, and things got out of hand, face covering or 3/4 sleeve t-shirt, or mug, whatever you want. Our theme music is performed by Ted Leo. Our logo is designed by Darth. You can contact us at says who podcast on Twitter. You can email at hey, that is H-E-Y @sayswhopodcast.com. You can join the discussion on Facebook at /group/sayswhovians. Our Facebook group is moderated by Janice Dillard and continues to be a source of joy and support and light for many, many of you.
Dan:
Thank you all for being a part of that community and for looking out for each other and for helping everyone through this weird fucking time that we're all in. That is Facebook/groups/sayswhovians. Please spread the word, subscribe and leave stars and reviews on Apple podcasts. A number of you did this week and thank you so much for that. Because a lot of people are having trouble fitting podcasts into their commute lists and gym list lives. And showing a little bit of support by writing a review is a huge and great thing to do, not only for us but to other podcasts that you love and listen to but maybe have not been able to frequent as much leave a review for them. You can join us next Wednesday, April 29th, that is a day before my 14-year-old becomes 15, for our next episode.
Maureen:
Oh.
Dan:
I know. He wouldn't be the 14-year-old anymore. I might just have to start calling him the teen.
Maureen:
The teen for sure watches Dark Friends.
Dan:
He would watch the hell out of Dark Friends. What are their names? Ross.
Maureen:
I may have pictures of some of the bigger...
Dan:
It's just Ross and Rachel and a pentagram on the ground-
Maureen:
Okay. Hold on.
Dan:
... conjuring the rest of their friends.
Maureen:
Here's extra points, Dan.
Dan:
Huh?
Maureen:
There are six Friends. Name them.
Dan:
There's no way. Ross, Rachel. You mentioned a Monica and a Phoebe.
Maureen:
Yep, correct.
Dan:
That's four.
Maureen:
There are two more.
Dan:
Two of those are purely from context clues from you.
Maureen:
I said the other two names.
Dan:
You did not?
Maureen:
I did.
Dan:
All right. Ross, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Charles and...
Maureen:
Nope.
Dan:
Linda.
Maureen:
Nope. It sounds a little bit like Charles.
Dan:
[Barles 00:57:17].
Maureen:
Nope.
Dan:
[Dralles 00:57:22].
Maureen:
You got the CH right. You got the CH right.
Dan:
Chet, Chad.
Maureen:
Nope.
Dan:
Chapman.
Maureen:
Nope.
Dan:
Chod.
Maureen:
Nope.
Dan:
Chuckles.
Maureen:
Nope.
Dan:
Charo. It was Charo.
Maureen:
Nope.
Dan:
[Chinklakanok 00:57:45].
Maureen:
Chandler.
Dan:
Oh. Okay.
Maureen:
Chandler Bing is his name, Chandler Bing.
Dan:
What? No.
Maureen:
And one more. Yes, his name was Chandler Bing.
Dan:
Veronica.
Maureen:
Nope. It's a man.
Dan:
Oh. What?
Maureen:
The last is a guy.
Dan:
Okay, Brad.
Maureen:
Nope.
Dan:
Bruce.
Maureen:
The way you said Brad had three A's in it, Braaad.
Dan:
I was thinking if that was even... I would never in a million years get this name.
Maureen:
Joey.
Dan:
Why is someone named Joey on that show?
Maureen:
Yeah. He's the only one that got a spinoff and the spin-off was called Joey. It didn't last.
Dan:
Like I said, there's a large swath of '90s pop culture that I have no clue. That was exciting. everyone was excited to stay on for that one.
Maureen:
Played by Matt LeBlanc.
Dan:
No, he played that other one, Chandler.
Maureen:
No. He was Joey. No, that wasn't Matthew Perry.
Dan:
Those are the same people.
Maureen:
It's not.
Dan:
Okay.
Maureen:
Very different.
Dan:
Anyway. For my basement-
Maureen:
Arguably, Matt LeBlanc is the best performance out of all of them.
Dan:
I can't even picture these people.
Maureen:
Joey was the one that said, "How you doin'?"
Dan:
That was Saturday Night Fever.
Maureen:
Nope. That was Joey from Friends.
Dan:
Okay.
Maureen:
It was the only catchphrase from the show.
Dan:
Really?
Maureen:
How you doin'? Yeah. He was the one-
Dan:
That's the catch phrase from Friends?
Maureen:
Yes.
Dan:
Okay. I literally have no idea if you're fucking with me right now. I literally have no clue. Listeners you might think like, "Oh, this is a bit..." I'd have no idea. I have none, zero idea.
Maureen:
He had special, big Thanksgiving pants that he would wear.
Dan:
What?
Maureen:
No, he did. He had special Thanksgiving-ish.
Dan:
You're just making shit up now.
Maureen:
That's true, because he'd like to eat and he would get so excited by Thanksgiving that he had a special big Thanksgiving pants. He was the one who had the tailor who was a molester.
Dan:
What the fuck?
Maureen:
This was a real show.
Dan:
From my basement in Chicago I am Dan Sinker. Ah.
Maureen:
We were on a break is the other big phrase.
Dan:
Boy, that one stuck.
Maureen:
Everybody knows what that is.
Dan:
What are you talking about? That's not a thing.
Maureen:
Ross and Rachel were dating.
Dan:
That is not a thing.
Maureen:
They broke up. It is. They broke up and then Ross like slept with someone else and Rachel was like, "I'm sorry about last night." And then she opens the door and there's someone else there and he goes, "We were on a break." It goes on forever. They fallout from this and he's always like, "We were on a break." And so that's like a whole thing is, "We were on a break."
Dan:
I feel like that's Dark Friends again.
Maureen:
No. That's 90% of real Friends is we were on a break and references there too because it messes up everything forever. They are the perpetual will they or won't they.
Dan:
Okay.
Maureen:
I'm just saying.
Dan:
All right.
Maureen:
Then they have a baby together.
Dan:
What?
Maureen:
And I don't think they end up together. I can't even remember. Ross and Rachel have a baby together.
Dan:
How many babies were born on this 1990 sitcom? What is going on?
Maureen:
Phoebe had her brother's children. I think they were twins.
Dan:
Sure.
Maureen:
Rachel had a baby with Ross. And then Ross already had a child with his wife. His ex-wife who was a lesbian.
Dan:
What are you talking about? You are making shit up.
Maureen:
No.
Dan:
You are 100% making up at this point.
Maureen:
Man, this is all real. 90% of Ross's character is him being angry at lesbians. It's not great.
Dan:
What?
Maureen:
It's real. This was the stuff comedy was made of, Dan. These were the only jokes we had. We would be in our papasan chairs, hanging upside down, stuck in dishes, watching Joey say, "How you doin'?" wearing his big pants. Absolutely.
Dan:
This part, I know you're just making up.
Maureen:
You need to Google, "How you doin'?"
Dan:
As soon as we're done recording, I will do that. So let's wrap it up.
Maureen:
Why are we still recording?
Dan:
Here we go. From my basement in Chicago, I'm Dan Sinker.
Maureen:
I a little bit forgot that we were still recording an episode.
Dan:
I know. I could tell.
Maureen:
I know a lot about Friends.
Dan:
It turns out, it turns out.
Maureen:
I don't know how I... I seem to have learned all this by accident. But I know a lot about Friends.
Dan:
You do. You're going to have to sit with that now.
Maureen:
I don't want to.
Dan:
You're going to have to live with that because we need to finish recording.
Maureen:
I don't want to know this. (singing) It's such a terrible song. So bad.
Dan:
You can say your name now.
Maureen:
From my spot on the sofa at Central Park, with a giant cup of coffee...
Dan:
I'm waiting.
Maureen:
I'm Chandler Bing.
Dan:
And this has been Says Who. You know a lot about Friends.
Maureen:
I know.
Dan:
A remarkable amount of information.
Maureen:
I really do and I don't know how it happened because I did not like it, and yet...
Dan:
You retained a lot.
Maureen:
And yet here I am.
Dan:
You retained a lot.