Hey, how about a week where everything happens? From impeachment proceedings to a vote in England, to Trump's weird grooming needs, to a Republican lawyer's choice for a briefcase, Dan and Maureen try to talk about it all. It goes about as well as you'd imagine.
Grab a plate, SaysWhovia. Dan and Maureen have been busy cooking up some news and are ready to dish it out. What would you like? Some hot, buttery Trump leaving NATO after getting picked on? Got it. We’re passing around some FBI documents, if you want to grab a few. Would you like some UK election news on that? Let us pour some on. We’ll be slicing up the impeachment any moment.
Which is our way of saying, it’s a lot. We’ve got it. But more importantly, we’ve got flushing, Tic Tacs, Irish Spring soap, and orange makeup from Switzerland. There’s so much here, it will take 10 to 15 flushes to get it all down.
Apologies. Dan and Maureen don’t make the news—they just talk about it. One must eat what one is given.
Tuck that napkin into your collar, SaysWhovia. Let’s eat. Because it’s going to get weird after this.
***
Dan's tracking impeachment news and sending out updates every day. Sign up at impeachment.fyi
Watch Let it Snow, based on the book co-authored by Maureen out now on Netflix!
Maureen's book The Vanishing Stair is OUT NOW. NOW!
Support Says Who and become a citizen of SaysWhovia by joining our Patreon today! You really can join for just a dollar. Or more if you want!
Your Intrepid Hosts: Maureen Johnson and Dan Sinker
Our awesome theme is courtesy of Ted Leo
We love Darth
Dan: This episode of Says Who is brought to you by you. Through your support on patreon.com/sayswho, given that $1, $2, $5, $10, $25, you all are amazing. We have some amazing things heading your way that we are finishing up.
Maureen: They're good.
Dan: We'll talk about at the end of the episode.
Maureen: They're good. They really are good.
Dan: Yeah. If you are not already a backer, you are going to want to get on this train at patreon.com/sayswho.
Maureen: Hey there. It's your friend Maureen. Listen, I actually have some news today. Actually, if you're listening on Wednesday or beyond, it actually came out on Tuesday. The paperback version of The Vanishing Stair is now available. That means it's a lot cheaper, and you could get both Truly Devious and The Vanishing Stair for what? Probably 15-16 bucks for the pair, under 20. For sure, under 20 gets you both of them.
Dan: Wow!
Maureen: Yeah. The paperback is probably 8.99. Some places sell them for less. So, you could get them for under 20, and then if you wanted, you could just set yourself up for The Handle on the Wall, which is coming in January. So, if you've got those two for the holidays and read them, you'd be exactly ready for the third book.
Maureen: I'm not saying you should do that. I'm not saying that you should do that as a gift thing over the holidays, get it for other people, do it yourself. I'm saying that if you wanted a gift and you were like, "Yeah, about the $20 mark," that would be one.
Dan: I'm saying it. Buy Maureen's book, goddamn it. It's great. They're now in paperback, and there's two of them.
Maureen: There's two of them. If you pre order The Handle on the Wall, if you go on my website, there's information about how you get a free gift with the pre order. It's a cool print. It's really cool. So, that's all my stuff now, some new stuff.
Dan: That is exciting stuff.
Maureen: Stuff. My site is maureenjohnsonbooks.com.
Dan: Look at that. Nailed it. Hey, this is Dan. You might know that there's an impeachment inquiry going on, and you might also be like, "It is too much. I can't pay attention to all this shit in a day."
Maureen: I can't. I can't.
Dan: "I need someone to just tell me what I need to know at the end of any day in an email that feels like it was written by a human," and guess what? I do that. If you sign up at impeachment.fyi/signup, I, me, Dan will send you an email at the end of everyday summing up what the hell is going on in the impeachment inquiry, impeachment.fyi.
Maureen: Impeachment.fyi. I'm going to do that every time now, Dan.
Dan: I like it. I like it.
Drive Thru Kid: Oh, is that an ice cream truck? I'm going to go on my break now. I'm going to go grab some ice cream outside.
The Passenger: Hey, kid. What's up? Want some ice cream?
Drive Thru Kid: I did.
The Passenger: Okay. Well, what do you want? What do you want? You want a cone? You want a dipped cone? You want one of those cherry-dipped cones?
Drive Thru Kid: I'd like a drumstick. Do you have those?
The Passenger: Yeah, we got those. Hold on a second. Is this a drumstick, this one here?
Drive Thru Kid: No, that's an ice cream sandwich.
The Passenger: Okay. Hold on. What about this? Is this a drumstick?
Drive Thru Kid: No, that's a pushup.
The Passenger: Hey, kid. I'm new with this. It's my new job.
Drive Thru Kid: I thought you worked at the White House.
The Passenger: Well, see, kid, I do. President sent me in here to work in this truck. If I was riding around in this truck, then the congress couldn't find me to send me anymore subpoenas. So, I got offered several jobs, and this was the one I took. I think it's a pretty good one. They had to pull some strings because I don't actually have a driver's license. I have never driven, but it's remarkably intuitive, especially if you have what he keeps referring to as diplomatic immunity, but I don't think he knows what that means.
Drive Thru Kid: Oh, yeah. I think that's it.
The Passenger: Well, I think I could probably ride this out in here, kid. Now that the articles of impeachment have been announced, he's probably going to call me back, and I don't want to go. I like it in here. It's cold. It's cold. All the sprinkles you can eat.
Drive Thru Kid: You're not supposed to eat the food unless somebody buys it and then they eat it.
The Passenger: Kid, we don't worry about things like that.
Drive Thru Kid: That's the whole job.
The Passenger: Yeah, I know. We sometimes take jobs we don't fully understand, kid. Sometimes these things happen.
Drive Thru Kid: My break is probably ending soon, so I think I'm going to go.
The Passenger: They say they can't make me testify, and I don't know, kid. I could see myself on the road with this truck here.
Drive Thru Kid: Why?
The Passenger: I mean, this congress have the authority to call me in.
Drive Thru Kid: Well, yes. That's the whole point of equal branches of government, but why don't you just testify? It seems easier than doing a job you don't know how to do.
The Passenger: You make a lot of sense, kid. Hey, listen. For your advice, though, tell you what, I get some actual credit behind the counter here, and I can buy you an ice cream. I just don't know which one it is. You just want to come in and take any ice cream you like. Go ahead. It's paid for.
Drive Thru Kid: I have to come in?
The Passenger: Well, it's because I don't know which one is which. Just come in and take whichever one you like.
Drive Thru Kid: Drumsticks, they're shaped like a cone in paper.
The Passenger: I'm just here. I'm opening the freezer. Just grab it. Just grab it.
Drive Thru Kid: They say drumstick-
The Passenger: Just grab it.
Drive Thru Kid: Okay. I can see it. They're just right here.
The Passenger: All right, kid.
Drive Thru Kid: What?
The Passenger: Let's go. All right.
Drive Thru Kid: Where are we? I'm supposed to be back from my break.
The Passenger: Mexico, kid.
Drive Thru Kid: What?
The Passenger: We're going to Mexico. All right. You and me. We're getting out of here.
Drive Thru Kid: Help.
The Passenger: We're going to Mexico. He hasn't built a wall yet. I don't think. He doesn't think. I don't know. Let's go, kid.
Dan: Welcome to Says Who, the podcast that isn't a podcast.
Maureen: It's a coping strategy. I'm Maureen Johnson.
Dan: I am Dan Sinker.
Maureen: Dan, that sounds you hear in the background, I don't know if you can hear it, puppy is awake and she's got one of her chew sticks, which she is-
Dan: I don't know.
Maureen: She's very quietly chewing it, but every once in a while, she accidentally drops it on my computer.
Dan: Is the chew stick is still a polite name for a disembodied bull penis?
Maureen: No. This one's an antler.
Dan: Oh, okay.
Maureen: So, she's got her antler. I did get a couple, had a day yesterday, Dan. Had a day.
Dan: Yeah?
Maureen: Well, it was a good day, but in the middle of the day, I was cooking a big pot of boiled chicken because that's what we used for her treats and training.
Dan: That's fancy.
Maureen: Listen. She's going through a lot of training right now to get her to behave. So, she will do anything for chicken. That includes not lounging for the nasty little white dogs from the seventh floor. So, anything to keep her away from those dogs. My kitchen is big for New York, but I think it's a galley kitchen. I'm not actually sure, but it's like a big long hallway. It's nice.
Maureen: I elbowed the spoon accidentally in the pot, and it sent an arc of boiling water across the room, and it splashed across my abdomen, which is fine.
Dan: Were you wearing a half shirt?
Maureen: No. It went through the shirt, Dan. Water can penetrate cloth. So, it just went right through the little thin T-shirt I had on, and splashed across my abdomen. So, I got it cold right away, but I still have a burn on my abdomen, which I have to treat and put gauze pads on. So, it's-
Dan: Oh, my God!
Maureen: Yeah. I mean, I just had to put some lotion on it, and then I have to keep gauze pads taped to it, but it does look like I had a surgical ... It actually is very similar to the padding I had when I had a surgical procedure. So, it's a familiar feeling.
Maureen: Then later in the day, you see, she's found a tennis ball, Dan, and Dexie loves a tennis ball more than you have ever loved anything in your goddamn life. She can play fetch, I do not kid you, for five hours straight. She doesn't stop, and she keeps getting the ball lost under the sofa, and I was reaching in to get the ball out for her, and she was so excited that she did a dance, and spun herself around in the air. As I came up with the tennis ball, she hit me in the nose with her ass, and it really hurt.
Maureen: So, I was clutching my abdomen from the chicken injury and clutching my nose from the ass injury. I love my dog. I love her. She's perfect. She's the happiest, happiest creature you'll ever meet.
Dan: Bet she'll also punch you in the face with her ass.
Maureen: It's not the first time that's happened either.
Dan: It's not. It is not. It's happened live on this episode.
Maureen: That was her face, Dan, not her ass. It was her face hitting my face. That was much more painful than the ass yesterday. I have to admit. That was the time I thought I lost a tooth.
Dan: Oh, my goodness! Maureen Johnson, I appreciate your dog ass updates.
Maureen: It's a quiet week, Dan. There's nothing else to talk about.
Dan: There is so much going on.
Maureen: No.
Dan: It is bananas.
Maureen: Hit me not with your ass.
Dan: Yeah. It would be hard to do because we're a thousand miles away from each other.
Maureen: You could do it.
Dan: Not impossible, but it takes some effort. Maureen Johnson, just an hour before we started recording today, it's official there are articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump.
Maureen: Yup. Tell me about them.
Dan: Nancy Pelosi, and Jerry Nadler, and Adam Schiff held a press conference. They walked in silently and rafe-like Somebody must have said, "Make sure you seem really serious here." Yeah. This is something that you're taking with no glee. So, they floated in. It was them and three other committee members including Maxine Waters, and a couple of other folks.
Dan: They all came in rafe-like spoken very slow and dour voices, and then floated back out rafe-like while reporters yelled things at them. It was like they should have held it at the Haunted Mansion. It would have felt more appropriate.
Maureen: Oh. It would be wonderful, wouldn't it?
Dan: Yeah, it would like on a bean buggy.
Maureen: I guess you can't come in to lose those good as hell or anything like that. You can't ... Some Beastie Boys or-
Dan: Maureen, this moment, we have talked about this moment for a long time, haven't we?
Maureen: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Dan: Articles of impeachment. There are two of them. There's abusive power, and there is obstruction of congress.
Maureen: The crime he did while doing the crime.
Dan: Exactly. There is the criming, which the way Nadler put it, it is an impeachable offense for the president to exercise the powers of his public office to obtain personal benefit while ignoring or injuring the public interest, in this case, hitting up Ukraine to fuck with the 2020 election, but Nadler also pointed out that this is exactly also what he did when he hit up Russia to fuck with the 2016 election.
Maureen: Indeed.
Dan: So, they are actually connecting some dots that go beyond simply the Ukraine, the latest Ukraine stuff, which I think is smart, and they also keep pointing out that it's not like he is stopped. Rudy Giuliani was in fucking Ukraine last week digging around and hanging out with weird ass edge lords and shit like that.
Maureen: I don't mean to laugh, Dan, but-
Dan: It's fucking ridiculous. Then obstruction of congress, essentially citing that at every turn, the White House has blocked their investigations, blocked witnesses, blocked documents, taken everything to court with a basic statement of, "No president is above the law. They're equal branches of government, and all that."
Dan: We're here, Maureen.
Maureen: We are here.
Dan: The judiciary committee will have discussed these this week, ultimately vote on them and move them to the full house who are going to hold the vote next week, and then we go to Christmas break.
Maureen: So, I'm just looking at the calendar here. So, they're doing it this week. So, somewhere between the 16th and the 20th, the house is going to vote on the articles whether or not to impeach.
Dan: Yeah. So, the house has two things that they must vote or they have one thing that they must vote on next week. So, they announced a couple weeks ago that they will be the 17th through the 20th will be days that they vote on shit, but they have to vote to keep the government open. So, that's going to happen next week. Apparently, also, impeach the president.
Maureen: Right. Cool. Fine. I mean, that's fine.
Dan: Doesn't it feel like it should feel more monumental than this?
Maureen: Well, I don't know. If you've got your belly cut open and someone keeps sticking their hand in there repeatedly after a while, when someone actually grabs your liver and rips it out, you're like, "Well, they've been sticking their hand in there for a while. I guess that's a situation I made up on the fly there, but we're so inert to the pain.
Dan: That's really gross.
Maureen: Yeah, but this is a gross time.
Dan: That is the grossest metaphor I had in forever.
Maureen: I know, but this is a gross time.
Dan: Oh, gross!
Maureen: I mean, we've been watching the criming, the criming, the criming, the criming, the criming, the criming that happened within the criming. It came in criming. He came down at that escalator criming. It was like, "Russia, fuck shit up for me. Come in to my office. Look at my shit. Here's my phone full of secrets." So, no. It should be monumental, but it's like-
Dan: Can we just back? What scenario in actual life would that play out?
Maureen: Well, I've been listening to a lot of history podcast on the history of surgery, and that's what it was like.
Dan: Gross. Gross. Why? Gross. It's gross.
Maureen: They didn't even know to wash their hands, Dan. They would just basically wipe the chunky bits off and go right back in.
Dan: Damn! It is every now and then. So, one of the things that over the last week, and even in their presser today, and all of that, there's all this reaching back to the authors of the constitution and all of that, where it's interpreting what the founders meant, and this and that. Every now and then, I remember our entire government is based on the writings of people whose best idea for basically any illness, whatsoever, was to stick leeches on your body-
Maureen: Do you know how George Washington-
Dan: ... or just to blood let you.
Maureen: Do you know how George Washington died?
Dan: He died from bloodletting.
Maureen: Well, yeah. He caught a cold, basically. He caught an infection out in the cold, and they brought him in, and all of the things that they did to him, which is probably strep or something similar, they took out, I believe it was seven pints of blood. They gave him a medics. They leeched him. They made him barf. They gave him so many terrible things, and then after he was dead, they were going to try to freeze him and bring him back with them with some sheep's blood or something like that. It was bad.
Dan: Oh, God!
Maureen: It was not great.
Dan: Yeah. I mean, that's the-
Maureen: He died bleeding, and barfing, and shitting, and it was terrible.
Dan: All because he had a cold.
Maureen: He probably had something-
Dan: All ailments had been brought upon him.
Maureen: Right. He probably had strep or something bad, but they bled him to death, essentially.
Dan: Yeah. Anyway, that was the best they had in terms of what they could think of. Yet, we're still reading the tea leaves of things that they wrote 250 years ago or however many years ago. Every now and then I'm like, "That weirds me out," but here we are. I want this to feel like a bigger deal.
Maureen: It feels big. I mean, I think that once they actually get in there, and do the impeachment hearing, then I think it will feel like a thing. This feels like forgoing conclusion.
Dan: Right. That's I think the thing is that there is no mystery here.
Maureen: No, because he does the crimes out in public everyday.
Dan: Literally everyday.
Maureen: He's like, "I'm going to wake up. Here I am doing some crimes, flushing my toilet."
Dan: 10 times, 15 times. Oh, Maureen.
Maureen: Dan, they made news for you this week.
Dan: Good God they did. Good God they did, Maureen. Donald Trump, I don't even know what it was. Was it like a cabinet meeting or something? It goes off-
Maureen: I believe it was something to do with the environment.
Dan: Yeah. He talks about how he's ordering the EPA to review toilets flushing standards because as he put it, you used to be able to flush one time. Now, everyone is flushing 10 to 15 times.
Maureen: I have a question.
Dan: It used to be just one.
Maureen: Have you ever in your life ever seen anyone do that?
Dan: No. I mean, unless you have a bad clog-
Maureen: ... or if the chain is broken or something is broken. Even that, I don't think you'd do it 15 times because after once or twice, "Well, this is broken, so I got to take it apart and fix it."
Dan: Oh, Maureen.
Maureen: Nobody.
Dan: Can I just-
Maureen: 10 to 15 times. I didn't even think about just the sheer number of it.
Dan: That's a lot.
Maureen: Can you imagine standing there angrily flushing a toilet 15 times?
Dan: Well, you got to wait for it to fill every time. So, that's a real commitment of time in the bathroom.
Maureen: That's about a half an hour, right?
Dan: Yes.
Maureen: Let's think about this, it's maybe a minute to set.
Dan: Yeah. I'd say it's probably about a minute from flush to being able to reflush on most toilets.
Maureen: So, 15 to 20 minutes.
Dan: Yeah, to just piss.
Maureen: Executive time.
Dan: I mean, it seems like it's a lot quicker to just bust a plunger out at that point.
Maureen: Is this happening on Air Force One do you think?
Dan: That would be ... Man, 10 to 15 times in a row on an airplane toilet I feel like would actually compromise the internal pressure of the airplane.
Maureen: Yeah. I think they'll land. They have to land that thing.
Dan: Oh, I don't know.
Maureen: "Sir, do you want us to pull over?"
Dan: "He's flushing again." The oxygen masks are down just so that people can breathe because all of the air is being sucked down the toilet.
Maureen: Everybody have to put their seat belts on or they're sleeping on the floor on their yoga mat, so they have to grab an object. It's like that scene in the A-Team where they had to shoot on a plane and people started getting sucked out.
Dan: Oh, my word! That was the real highlight of the week for me.
Maureen: I know. I was that before you.
Dan: Boy! I didn't know that I've ever been forwarded a news report more than that.
Maureen: I was that before you, Dan, because I think that a lot of people forget that you created the [inaudible]
Dan: Yeah, trumppoopwatch.org, which is woefully, woe, I think I'm a month or two behind on that right now. I'm sorry to say the impeachment took precedence over the poop watch.
Maureen: You've done a lot of work.
Dan: We've got so much time in the day, Maureen. I have to prioritize.
Maureen: Some might say that one became the other.
Dan: Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord, Maureen, but that is not all that has been happening this week. Getting articles of impeachment out and really starting the ball to probably about a week from now, a little more than a week from now, the president of the United States will have been impeached, but between then and now, England is holding their fucking elections.
Maureen: Indeed, yes.
Dan: It feels like if you were to have written this, an editor would be like, "All right. This is not ... Impeaching the president and holding the elections that will decide the fate of England, doing that at the same time feels too much."
Maureen: Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot, but it is happening. Nobody knows what's going to happen. It's one of those things that there are some indicators, but, really, this is going to be a weird one because-
Dan: That's not good. I don't like that. I don't like that at all.
Maureen: Well, the English election isn't one election. It's 650 local elections. So, each area is electing their MP, their member of parliament. The leader, the prime minister, the government is the party that gets the majority in parliament. So, it's not like you're electing a person like a cult of personality. Although you are because you know who the leaders of the party are, but, technically, you're electing your local MP. So, if there's no majority, then a government needs to be formed.
Maureen: So, what happens sometimes or has been happening is that different parties make coalitions with each other in order to get a majority. So, the main parties running are the Tories, which is led by Boris Johnson, Labour headed by Jeremy Corbyn, Liberal Democrats headed by Jo Swinson, and I don't know the leader of the SNP, the Scottish National Party.
Maureen: You go in, you fill out a paper ballot, you put it in a box, they're counted by hand in the various localities where the various candidates stand around with the big rosettes pinned on them of saying their affiliation, and then the results are read out while everybody stand.
Maureen: If you remember some of the photos, there was a candidate named Lord Buckethead because there's always candidates in these elections that are members of the Loony party or something like that. So, there's always somebody like Lord Buckethead with a giant black knife with a bucket on his head. They do elections right, but nobody knows. Nobody knows.
Maureen: Meanwhile, Brexit is not settled. This election came up because the Brexit thing, basically, cracked everything apart, and they're hoping, Tories are hoping they're going to get a majority so they can jam their Brexit through by January, which is the new deadline. So, the UK is holding this ticking time bomb. Other parties are promising a people's vote or to stop Brexit. Just various redoing the vote or just ... So, no one knows, no one knows, but there will be an election on Thursday.
Dan: There's no indicator in polling. Polling is just that quick or do they not do polling in the UK?
Maureen: Polling is difficult. I mean, Tories may have a lead in some areas. I may sneeze at any moment, just so you know. Here it comes. Sorry. I think the polling indicates maybe a slight Tory hold, but I don't think they really know because Boris Johnson is very unpopular. Jeremy Corbyn is very unpopular. Jeremy Corbyn has a very sweeping reform plan. I think the Lib Dems are I think coming up in popularity. Yeah, it's froth. It's froth.
Dan: Wow!
Maureen: Yeah. Oscar, my husband, I was like, "You're voting." So, in order for him to cast his vote was very difficult because some countries let you vote at the embassy, and UK doesn't do that. There wasn't time to get the paperwork for overseas ballots. So, legally, his last option was to vote by proxy, so his parents after casting their vote, he has given his vote preference, and they will drive to his last residence, the town of his last residence, and cast his proxy vote because the paperwork has been done. So, they will go and vote instead because in some of these places-
Dan: Does he have to mail a glove?
Maureen: Yes. Yes, he does, but in some of these places, Dan, the vote difference is like somebody's won by something like two votes.
Dan: Wow!
Maureen: I mean, yeah. So, these votes matter. They matter a lot.
Dan: So, the vote is on the 12th. Are we even going to know on the 13th what the status of everything is?
Maureen: Frequently, they announce that night. I imagine that on Thursday night, we will be having our dinner in front of the TV watching because we're five hours because it's five hours ahead. We'll be able to watch results. I mean, the night of the Brexit referendum was actually the night that I was throwing my mother a huge retirement party. It was a huge deal that I had gotten her this really nice retirement party, and it was the night of the Brexit, and my poor husband was nervously ... We were watching it on phones under the table, and then we came back that night and watched as the whole thing happened. We saw it by around 11:00 PM because they sometimes count the votes in the evening, and they should have it. So, it's going to be something.
Dan: Well, town watch and its Patreon backers at $5 and up, we will have a British election update probably Friday morning, Friday midday for you, patreon.com/sayswho. Maureen, Boris Johnson was also in the news this week for another reason, wasn't he?
Maureen: God, Dan! This really was quite a week, wasn't it?
Dan: I'm looking at our notes and I'm looking at the time, and I'm just like, "How? How are we getting through it all?"
Maureen: Well, Trump was at the NATO summit.
Dan: Yeah, which was in England.
Maureen: Yes.
Dan: Again, a thing where the editor would be like, "It's too much, too many things in England at one time. I need you to pull it back."
Maureen: "Just stop it." So, the first thing that happens is that the queen is greeting Trump, and then in the background, in the doorway is Princess Anne and the queen gives her the signal like, "Come here." The Princess Anne just does this elaborate smog emoji thing like, "Well, what can you do?" It was really funny. I just want to say one thing about Princess Anne. In 1974, a guy tried to kidnap Princess Anne-
Dan: Oh, my God!
Maureen: ... with a gun. He shot her bodyguard, the driver of the car, someone who tried to help. It was serial. Many people were injured. He gets in the car with her, and he points the gun at her, and he's like, "Get out of the car with me." She said, "Not bloody likely," and didn't get out of the car.
Dan: Wow!
Maureen: Yeah. So, not going over to see Trump is something that checks out.
Dan: Go, Princess Anne!
Maureen: I mean, fuck that guy, right? I like it. I like it when people are like, "Nope," but that was not the only nope that happened. That was a pretty funny nope, but then, Dan, came the rest of this exchange.
Dan: Jesus Christ!
Maureen: We all know about it, but just go ahead and do it. Go ahead.
Dan: So, this is at the NATO Summit. So, you had leaders from all of the NATO nations. So, essentially, most of your rep were there. As with any of these very formal diplomatic things are a bunch of lunches and dinners, and all of that. At one point, you had, what? You had Boris Johnson, you had Princess Anne, you had Emmanuel Macron-
Maureen: ... and Justin Trudeau.
Dan: Yes. Oh, that's right, and Justin Trudeau for the prime minister of Canada, were all standing together at a cocktail party, and there was I think it was a BBC cameraman was filming just the party. Then they realized afterwards that you could hear the cocktail chatter of this little group of people, and they were standing there talking shit about Donald Trump.
Maureen: It's still funny, and it's been several days.
Dan: It is. It is amazing. He basically left in a huff, called Justin Trudeau a two-faced liar, canceled his final press conference, left the NATO summit early, went off to be angry.
Maureen: It is incredible. I can't even believe it's real, and it is.
Dan: It is amazing.
Maureen: Because you know that that conversation is happening all the time everywhere. It's happening here, it's happening there, and then we finally caught one of them on mic. It's such a gift. It's like we've spotted, it's like we're birdwatchers, and we've spotted ... We know the bird is out there, but it hides, and we finally caught one on film.
Dan: Oh, but Maureen, that's not all, is it?
Maureen: No, it's not, Dan.
Dan: Yesterday, even as impeachment hearings were underway, the FBI inspector general released a fairly anticipated report into the FBI's actions around the 2016 election, and specifically around their surveillance of the Trump campaign. This was a report that had been demanded by the president, and put into motion by Attorney General Barr. The report found that they were entirely justified in doing the investigation that it was not based on the steal report that it absolutely was based on an intelligent share from Australia because Australian intelligence got word that George Papadopoulos was into drunken Australia that's bragging about getting intel from Russia and sharing it with the Trump campaign.
Dan: So, essentially, the entire argument that there was this deep-state coup attempt was blown out of the water. However, your boyfriend, Maureen, Carter Page-
Maureen: Fiance, thank you.
Dan: ... he factored in. Tell us. Tell us about your love.
Maureen: Well, my boyfriend sent to get lollipop Carter Page has been talking about this FISA warrant forever, and the [inaudible] as he says. As I know, as I understand, the FBI report found that a surveillance of Carter Page was justified because they had a reasonable suspicion that Russia was trying to recruit him or that perhaps he was already a Russian agent, but they found that the Russians deemed him too stupid to recruit. So, then it was all founded, but that there were glitches in procedure.
Dan: Yeah, my read was that there were various things that they were supposed to tell FISA judges when there were changes in status or things like that, and not all of that stuff was done to the letter.
Maureen: So, but my man still ... He was still in a way a reasonable object of suspicion, but ultimately deemed too stupid. Imagine. This is our actual lives.
Dan: I know. I know. I don't know that I like it, but it is what it is. Maureen, one last newsy thing to discuss, which is yesterday's impeachment hearing by the house judiciary committee, like I said before, it was a presentation of the findings of the investigation held by the house intelligence committee, as well as before there were open hearings and all of that.
Dan: So, the format of it was that in addition to the normal 45-minute questioning rounds, and then five-minute rounds of member questions, before that, both the Democratic lawyer from the house intelligence and the Republican lawyer for house intelligence would give 45-minute presentations of their investigations and what they found.
Dan: Democratic lawyer does the normal, "Here's the narrative. We've heard it a million times of how Donald Trump attempted to pressure Ukraine into influencing the election." The Republican lawyer took a much more scattershot approach, Joe Biden, Adam Schiff, blah, blah, blah, but what I want to talk about, Maureen, is that that Republican lawyer, his name is Steven Castor, who seems to be always in a very sour state.
Maureen: Hatchet-faced.
Dan: Hatchet-faced. He arrived for the hearing, Maureen. So, they're giving 45-minute long presentations, so they've got a lot of paperwork and things like that. He arrived not with a briefcase, but with a reusable grocery bag. He walked in to the hearing room, put his fresh market bag on the table, and proceeded to take all of his various papers and things out of it live on C-SPAN.
Maureen: Dan, I believe that there exist these things called legal boxes or banker's boxes that are literally designed, they're cardboard boxes that are literally designed to carry legal folders, et cetera, into court.
Dan: Sure.
Maureen: They're just a box. They're a box. They're literally a box. So, I just think that, do you think he didn't have access to one of their boxes?
Dan: At one point during the hearing, one of the Republicans was like, "Thank you for spending so much time with us today," and he was like, "Well, my wife thanks you because otherwise, I'd just be talking at her," right? So, he has a wife. Did she not say, "Honey, are you going to the congress today? Do you want to be taking the fresh market bag or maybe use this?"
Maureen: Maybe. That guy looks like he hates his job, though. Did you see the look that he gave Devin Nunes as he point. He thinks these people are idiots. I mean, his arguments are not great, but I don't think he likes what he's doing because it's a terrible job. I love to watch people in those kind of positions who know that their job is terrible. I love to watch them doing it. It's a favorite thing of mine.
Dan: So, I have two children, we road trip a lot. So, there's always a point on one of these trips where we're unloading the car, and we're at a hotel. Sometimes if you get a good deal somewhere, you're even at a slightly nice hotel. You're not at the Holiday Inn Express. You're at the Suites by Marriott or whatever. I will be unloading the car, and it will be like, "Okay. Cool. A suitcase, a suitcase, reusable grocery bag, reusable ... Oh, gees!" I just get really embarrassed to have to walk through the lobby pushing a cart full of reusable grocery bags, but it's convenient when you're road tripping because you've got the kids' blanket. You need to be able to grab stuff easy, but I am always vaguely embarrassed about it, and all I'm doing is walking through a lobby full of strangers.
Maureen: You have a three-year-old. Is he four now?
Dan: Yeah. He is four.
Maureen: Okay. So, you have a four-year-old.
Dan: Yeah. There are all sorts of logistical reasons why it is a very helpful type of bag for lugging stuff around, but appearing in an impeachment investigation to congress I don't think is one of them.
Maureen: You know how you have that mindset of the nice things? Sometimes I was always brought up, you have your nice things, and you use your nice things, and I'm the kind of person who always thinks that the nice thing isn't for me. I have the nice thing, but I'm like, "I can't use the nice thing. I have to wait for a special occasion for the nice thing." Even my own wedding, I was like, "Do I need to wear shoes?" People were like, "You have to wear shoes." So, I understand the-
Dan: I think you've defined shoes as a nice thing.
Maureen: I do, Dan. I'm always afraid to use the nice thing like the nice journal that I got or wear the nice shoes, wear the good coat. I get it. He didn't want to use the nice things. He's still caught up. He's not living in the moment. He hasn't realized that today is the day, and that things are meant to be used. He got it for Christmas, and he's like, "It's really nice. I'm saving it for a special occasion." Life is to be lived, and today's the day. Use what you've got. Crack it out. I get it. I understand. I sympathize with this guy.
Dan: I don't know that I do.
Maureen: You got to use the nice things. We're getting to the bottom of it. I feel like were Marie Kondoing our sanity. We're junking things out. We're going, "Does this spark joy?" No. We actually have a lot of clutter around here, and weird stuff, and we're just digging to the bottom and really looking through the drawers and going, "Man, this shit is a lot weirder than I thought." So, yeah.
Dan: Speaking of digging through drawers, Maureen, this is the last, the last thing that we need to discuss for this week. There was a deeply, deeply depressing article on the Washington Post about Trump's extensive exploitation of undocumented workers at his various clubs, but buried within the just enraging parts of that article were some incredible details about what a fucking weirdo Donald Trump is. Are you ready?
Maureen: I was born ready.
Dan: Okay. "Those who cooked and served Trump knew that he liked his cheeseburgers well done and his diet Coke in small glass bottles with a plastic straw that no one could be seen touching."
Maureen: All right.
Dan: "Donald Trump liked the Irish Spring bar soap in his shower, but his housekeepers quickly learned not to throw out a soap even if it had worn down to the thinnest sliver. Trump decided when he wanted something discarded when that happened with clothes or newspapers, he would just toss them on the floor."
Maureen: I have thoughts, but we're going to continue.
Dan: "Trump loved Tic Tacs, but not arbitrary amount. He wanted in his bedroom bureau at all times two full containers of white Tic Tacs, and one container that was half full."
Maureen: Side asterisk, the relative I always talk about absolutely does shit like that, a hundred. Again, this is why I get it. I have seen this.
Dan: "The same rule applied to the Bronx Colors brand face makeup from Switzerland at Trump slathered on, two full containers, one half full, even if it meant the housekeepers had to regularly bring new shirts from the Pro Shop because of the rust-colored stains on the collars."
Dan: Now, just a quick side note, Bronx Colors, though it's called Bronx is from Switzerland, and it is actually makeup that is not sold in the US. When Washington Post reporter David Fahrenthold asked housekeepers what the shade of the makeup was, and I'm going to murder this Spanish, but one replied [foreign language 00:48:12] which translates to a very scary orange.
Dan: Vox then dug into the makeup a little bit and talked with Isabelle von Känel, the Chief Operating Officer of Bronx Colors, and she confirmed that based on the description of the makeup that it must be their orange concealer. She wouldn't, this is from the Vox article, she wouldn't comment on any political implications or whether this attention could be negative for the company, but she did say, "If he really uses it, then I would say, 'Okay. Mr. President, I think you are using it a little bit wrong.'"
Maureen: All right, Dan.
Dan: Maureen.
Maureen: Dan.
Dan: Maureen.
Maureen: Do we even need to? I don't know. I don't think we do.
Dan: I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.
Maureen: This person 100% is my relative. I see too many comparisons, and I have seen this. I have seen these behaviors, 100%, but the orange makeup, he bought some Euro trash, he went to the pharmacy, because at European pharmacies, they sell cool stuff you can't get, "What's this?" He got some cool Euro trash. He's like, "Look at this stuff. It's amazing. It makes me look great."
Maureen: As a teenager, all of us got foundations on our collars. You'll learn how not to do that. You're putting it down too far on your chin.
Dan: Well, if you're him, you just throw the shirt on the floor, get a new one.
Maureen: Just throw it on the floor. Again, that's a hotel behavior. That's a hotel behavior. It's also a behavior of a child.
Dan: It's definitely, definitely a behavior of a child.
Maureen: Do hotels turn us all into children?
Dan: Well, I mean, I think yeah. There's a certain infantalization involved in unseen people coming and cleaning up after yourself.
Maureen: They clean your stuff, they turn down your bed, they close the curtain, "Are you okay? Did you go to the bathroom already?" You know how they come in at night and they're like, "Did you go to the bathroom?" They make you go to the bathroom. You know how they do that in really nice hotels? They come in and make sure you went to the bathroom.
Dan: Maureen, I don't know where you're staying.
Maureen: Oh, yeah. A nice hotel, they're like, "Do you have to go? How many times are we going to flush? 10 to 15, that's right."
Dan: I'm deeply uncomfortable right now.
Maureen: This man has not ever led a normal life.
Dan: No.
Maureen: He really is like lost the rest of the development character. He's such a ... I know we've said this, but he's just a weird dude. He's a weird guy.
Dan: He is deeply, deeply, deeply strange.
Maureen: Covers himself in weird orange makeup with circles around the eyes. Doesn't want anyone to touch his weird ass food. Just eats like a three-year-old, throws his shit on the floor, needs to keep candy next to the bed, sits there, watches TV and shit posts all day, flushes his toilet 10 to 15 times. What is his fucking day like, Dan? He gets up, he's got his ... All right. He's got his Tic Tacs next to his bed, two and a half containers. He goes in to take his Irish Spring, Irish Spring. So, he's got this paper translucent piece of Irish Spring that he's rubbing himself down, and he's just rubbing all over, Dan.
Dan: Oh, gross! Oh, God! I had to take my glasses off reflexively when you did talk. I want it out of my head.
Maureen: He's doing all the cracks, getting it out of there.
Dan: Oh, God! Just stop it.
Maureen: He's doing all the flaps. There's a lot of flaps. There's a lot of flap cleaning.
Dan: No. Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
Maureen: The water in the shower is running orange from the makeup. Now, has he got his hair on?
Dan: No. I think his hair comes off at the shower. It's got it, right?
Maureen: So, the hair is off, so he's rubbing his scalp presumably with Irish Spring, and I'm going to guess Head and Shoulders, just in general.
Dan: Yeah, or Prell.
Maureen: Prell.
Dan: Isn't Prell a thing? Is Prell the one that was the combination shampoo and conditioner?
Maureen: Yeah. He's got a stock pile of Prell somewhere, and he's rubbing himself down. So, it's all green stuff, green and blue. He's washing the flaps, rubbing the head down, orange water spinning down the drain. He gets out. He's got white towels, and they're all orange now. He's scrubbing it all off. Drops that shit to the floor, walks his naked ass into the main room, where he puts on what I imagine are boxers. He's not wearing tighty-whities, a pair of big boxers on, and an undershirt. He's got a pile of shirts from the Pro Shop. He puts that on, and a pair of big old khakis.
Maureen: Then he goes in to the bathroom mirror. He's checking Twitter as he goes. Now, at this point, he may have some executive time, and do the 10 to 15 flushes. I'm just saying. That's the tweeting time, for sure.
Maureen: Now, it's time for the makeup. That's a heavy greasy makeup. I mean, if you're talking about a concealer like that, that's going to be pretty thick. He's got it all over his fingers, Dan. He's not using a makeup sponge or a brush. He's using his fingers. It's all over, streak, rubbing it in, getting it down the chin, making sure he looks good. It's on the chest, the chin, get under there, get the flaps. Then he rubs it off. He rubs it off on a white towel, which he tosses on the floor.
Maureen: Maybe gets that splash, if it's a car. We don't know. Picks up his phone, he puts on his hair and his baseball cap and then strides out angrily into the Mar-a-Lago or whatever shit hole resort he's in, begin a day of diet Coke, cheeseburgers, and shit posting.
Dan: Yeah. That's gross, but accurate.
Maureen: Possibly drinking a diet Coke with breakfast, I would imagine.
Dan: Oh, I need to burn the word flaps out of my vocabulary now, Maureen. Thank you very much.
Maureen: By this week, we will know the results of the UK election. We may, I don't know if by Tuesday we're going to be actually seeing the start of the actual impeachment hearings and votes.
Dan: I think by next Wednesday that that will be underway.
Maureen: How many days of hearings are they going to do?
Dan: None.
Maureen: Okay. So, they're just going to take the motions to the house.
Dan: Yes. So, to the best of anyone's knowledge, the judiciary committee is done with hearings. They will debate and approve the articles, and then those will be advanced to the house, who will then have floor debate, and vote, but hearings seem to be done.
Maureen: Okay, but there's going to be debates is what I mean. There's going to be a day or two of procedures and discussions.
Dan: There's definitely going to be a lot of that type of shit show happening both in judiciary and the full house.
Maureen: The vote is probably, if you were guessing?
Dan: I would get that the impeachment vote will probably wait till the 20th.
Maureen: Friday, the 20th.
Dan: Yeah. They're going to drag it right down to the end because then they go on recess.
Maureen: So, we're going to go right to the holidays. We're going to go right up to Christmas.
Dan: Yeah, and then there'll be a break, and right after, the senate will pick up for trial after New Year's. The senate released their legislative calendar last week, and they left the entire month of January off the calendar. So, that seems to be when they're doing it.
Maureen: Right. Okay then. Well, Sayswhovia, stick with us if you all want to live. I don't know. Stick with us. I don't know. Everybody join hands. We're getting on the ride.
Dan: Here we go.
Maureen: We've been in that really long Disneyland queue for a while, but we're just getting to that part where we're at the really fancy elaborate part of the line, where you can see, and there's more attendants going, "Okay. Come this way," and you're going to be next, and they're starting to sort us into, "How many in your party?" "Three." "Okay. Stand here." That's where we're at.
Dan: That is where we're at.
Maureen: We're going to get ... You want to go and fret or it's you and me. Okay. You and me, Dan, we're going to get in this one. Everybody else just decide how many of you, each want to get into the ride together. We're all just going to get to our buggy.
Dan: Sayswhovians, you are the ones that make this possible through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho. A bunch of Patreon updates. First off, if you are a town watch subscriber, that's five bucks and up, you'll be getting a British election special probably midday this Friday barring any weirdness, but beyond that, back in October when we hit one year on our Patreon, we announced some gifts for continuing support, that is anyone who supports for four months at a time at various levels will get more. We made some cool stickers that we sent out immediately to everyone that has supported for at least four months, and there'll be another round of those going out because this is not just a one-shot thing. If you signed up today and hung out for four months, you'd be getting that at the ... I believe stickers worth $2 and up level.
Dan: At $10 and up and at $25 and up, we made some promises that Maureen Johnson, we are about to keep. We commissioned a map of Sayswhovia for everyone that supports at the $10 and up level that we just got the final art from the artist last night, and it is amazing.
Maureen: It's for real. We hired a proper artist who does really cool work. So, this is something you'll like. It's a very cool print.
Dan: It is a bright and colorful print of the main locations in Sayswhovia. There's a monorail line that runs through it. There's a shipwreck.
Maureen: There's a manor. It's good. It's really good.
Dan: There's a fast food restaurant with a drive-thru and limo parked in it. It is amazing. We will be sharing images of this map very shortly, and I will be sending it to the printer by the end of the week. So, it will be heading out to folks that have backed at the $10 and up level for at least four months. It will be going out probably in the next week or two.
Dan: Then at the $25 and up level, first, you'd be getting that map, but we also promised to make coping boxes, little collections of things to help you through it all, and we are underway in the very elaborate process of putting these together.
Maureen: I just want everybody to know how these things get done, and they get done because Dan does them because Dan is a man of many, many talents. He knows how to make and do stuff. He keeps sending me photos of stuff. He bought some magic machine that is helping make all these really cool things. He keeps sending me photos of incredible stuff. These boxes, they're full of cool bespoke Says Who stuff that's actually very funny.
Dan: Yeah. You're going to get a whole spell kit. You're going to be getting a votive candle with imagery on it. You're going to be getting a sleep eyeshade. I just made those yesterday. To give credit where credit is due, Maureen, I had these eyeshades, and they're eye masks, and I was like, "I don't know what I'm putting on it," and you came up with the perfect phrase to affix to these.
Maureen: I didn't even have to think about it.
Dan: Yeah. I've never seen a turnaround on an email so fast. I was like, "I can't think of something to put on here," and it was seconds later you had it exactly right, and then about 20 minutes after that, I had the first one prototype. They are going to be amazing, honestly. I'm pretty excited about these boxes. They have so many incredible things in them, and that four months of backend at 25 bucks, which seems like a lot, but it's distributed over time, and you get everything else to the map, and the sticker, and you get signed books from us, and you get a ton of stuff at that level.
Maureen: Dan loves a project.
Dan: I do love a project.
Maureen: You love a project.
Dan: I do. I do, in fact, yesterday was perfect because I had the hearings on streaming on my computer at one end of the table, and I was just busy building shit off for these boxes on the other end of the table, and it was about as perfect the way to do things as possible.
Dan: Anyway, Maureen Johnson, people can go to patreon.com/sayswho. You can join, you can upgrade, you can do whatever, really, and we will get some cool stuff to you at pretty any level. Our theme music is performed by Ted Leo, speaking of cool people that love a project, and our logo was designed by Darth.
Maureen: Who also is a Red Panda, who loves a project.
Dan: Indeed. You can contact us at SaysWhoPodcast on Twitter. You can email at hey, that is H-E-Y@sayswhopodcast.com. You can join the discussion on Facebook at /groups/sayswhovians. Our Facebook group is moderated by Janice Dillard, and it has been amazing over there. There are just people helping each other out. There are people doing incredible Says Who You projects. There are people playing Minecraft. The Facebook is really a remarkable space right now. So, good job, everyone.
Maureen: To that, I just want to add one thing because I have seen on the Facebook some people wondering about the charity, about the food bank that I talked about. I've been trying to figure out ... Here's the complication. The only way to really, because this is such a ... When I say this is a community thing, really, it doesn't have a fancy interface or anything. They take this money that sometimes they get by hand. They go to the store. They cook or they hand deliver two eggs. If they have 20 eggs, they distribute as many as they can. So, it's that kind of level.
Maureen: The church itself has a website where you can donate, and the way, you click donate, and then you would have to write a certain message into the donation box for the donation to go there. There's no other way I can see to get the money. I was trying to figure out if I create another site or a spreadsheet or something to try to coordinate or collect the money and give it to them. All of those things seemed a little too complicated, and I want you to be assured that the money is actually going straight there.
Maureen: So, I'm going to put up the link, and I'm going to put in the exact text that you write to get the money to the food bank.
Dan: Awesome.
Maureen: These are really nice people. I know them. My mom literally talks to the woman who gets the money, so it's not like it goes to an unseen organization. My mom will literally go and be like, "Did you get the $25?" or whatever. So, I'll write all that, and I'll put it on Facebook. I'm probably going to make a post on my own site to try to collect even more money because they really, because of the recent budget cuts, people are really suffering, and they're deeply hungry. Like I said on Thanksgiving, they just ran out of food, and they were just giving out beans because that's all they had left.
Maureen: I give money there. They turn that money into food as efficiently as possible, and they have zero overhead. It's one of those things where people are hungry, and so people are getting together to feed them. So, I'll be putting that on Facebook. Thank you for everyone who asked about it.
Dan: People helping people, Maureen. It's that season.
Maureen: Yeah. They were really moved at the thought that some people would be giving them more money because they really do survive on what they collect in a basket.
Dan: That is awesome. That is awesome. What a good thing. What a good thing. You can spread the word, subscribe, and please leave stars and reviews on Apple podcast or wherever you listen. You can join us December 18th. Somehow this month is going way too fast, but December 18th for our next episode.
Maureen: Wow!
Dan: It freaks me out how fast this month is moving, Maureen.
Maureen: I am not ready, Dan. I forgot that this was one of those things that Thanksgiving and Christmas were really close.
Dan: Yeah. That's what it is.
Maureen: I was like, "Whoa!"
Dan: That's what it is.
Maureen: We didn't even get a tree yet, and I honestly am not sure that ... I am a big tree person, but it's so quick. Also, I think Dexie will eat the tree. So, most of my day will be spent trying to keep the tree upright, and I have too many things to do. So, what I did instead was I totally wrapped our apartment in lights. I turned the apartment itself into the tree. So, yeah.
Dan: Whenever we do that, we put a bunch of lights up, I'm always like, "Why don't we just leave these up all the time?"
Maureen: It's very cheerful.
Dan: It is.
Maureen: It's very, very happy. It also took me a while. I will say they have these new command light hooks that you just put them up and they're a little scoop thing that you can just stick the wire in. Very handy. They're very, very useful for the serve thing. I'm like, "I may just leave that shit up because I don't ... You can't really see them," and then we just go back up and just stick it in there. This has been light talk.
Dan: From my well-lit basement in Chicago, I am Dan Sinker.
Maureen: ... and from a place of good cheer that's always intermingled with knowledge that the world is complicate and often difficult place, but through difficulty, we can often find beauty and come together, and together we create, together we grow, together we move and we nourish each other, Dan. Do you see what I'm saying?
Dan: Yeah, I do.
Maureen: Did I tell I want to-
Dan: What I'd like is if you just ... Oh, no.
Maureen: Did I tell you I went to Costa Rica earlier this year?
Dan: Yeah, you did.
Maureen: It changed me, Dan. The thing is it really did change me.
Dan: You could just get to your name part, though.
Maureen: I appreciate you, and this season, I'm deeply thankful for all of you. I'm thankful for you, Dan, and all you've taught me.
Dan: Say your name.
Maureen: This has been Says-
Dan: No, you got to say your name before that part.
Maureen: My name?
Dan: Yes. Your name.
Maureen: The name I was given?
Dan: Oh, my God!
Maureen: This is the name I received at birth, but-
Dan: Oh, my God!
Maureen: Maureen. Now, sometimes-
Dan: Say your last name.
Maureen: I just want to make a point, Dan, is that I have been getting Christmas cards addressed to Mrs. Maureen Oscar's last name or in some cases, Mrs. Oscar Oscar's last name, which is not my name.
Dan: No.
Maureen: I think it's funny when they do the Mrs. Oscar's last name, but when they do the Mrs. Oscar Oscar's last name where the woman actually loses her name entirely, and just becomes the missus of the man, that's extra funny. So, I got that. I got a couple of those, and I had a good chuckle about it, but I do have a name.
Dan: Great. Go. Share it with us.
Maureen: It's Maureen Oscar's last name Johnson. Actually, I was joking. It doesn't have the Oscar's last name in at all. I have never changed my name.
Dan: This has been Says Who.
Maureen: Who I am is who I remain even though identity itself is a process as opposed to a fixed point.
Dan: Oh, my God! Thanks.
Maureen: This has been Says Who.
Dan: I already did that part.
Maureen: Did I say my name?
Dan: Yeah, you did.
Maureen: You're Dan Sinker.
Dan: Yeah.