At a time where all you want to do is forget, Dan and Maureen test their memory.
SaysWhovians, it is the dog days of summer, which is something someone said once. But it is summer, and there are dogs! Also, there is a clicking and some banging and honestly, did you hear that? No, that.
Anyway, despite the distractions and also the doom, always the doom, Maureen and Dan talk about... beans? There's a lot of bean talk, if we're being perfectly honest here.
And they also talk about Trump's interview with Fox News's Chris Wallace which didn't go quite as planned and the next thing you know Maureen is taking a test to measure her cognitive decline. What could go wrong.
Dan:
This episode of Says Who is brought to you by you. Wow, very singy. For your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho. Our Patreon where every Sunday of a never-
Maureen:
Ever.
Dan:
... Ending quarantine you get-
Maureen:
The never ending quarantine. (singing)
Dan:
... You get a special... It's just that big white dog that he flies on but it's all mangy. What's the name of that dog?
Maureen:
(singing)
Dan:
Oh no, she's going.
Maureen:
(singing) Sorry.
Dan:
You're feeling it. Anyway, that's where you get a very special episode of Says Who every Sunday, because that was a smart idea at patreon.com/sayswho. $5 a month gets you a never ending quarantine.
Maureen:
(singing) Who sang The Never... Oh, it was Kajagoogoo, I think, was it?
Dan:
Oh man! No, no. I got to find out.
Maureen:
I think it was. I think it was.
Dan:
Kajagoogoo?
Maureen:
I think Kajagoogoo sang it.
Dan:
No way.
Maureen:
That is super hardcore throwback '80s band reference.
Dan:
Limahl.
Maureen:
What?
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
They have to be Norwegian.
Dan:
Oh, I would assume-
Maureen:
Or Swedish.
Dan:
... The NeverEnding Story is the title song for the English version of the 1984 film, The NeverEnding Story. It was produced and composed by Italian musician, Giorgio Moroder and performed by Limahl, Christopher Hamill, better known by his stage name Limahl. Limahl. Limhal.
Maureen:
Okay. Wait. His name was Christopher Hamill but he's anchored-
Dan:
Oh, but look, he rose to fame as the lead singer in the 1980s' pop group, Kajagoogoo.
Maureen:
I told you.
Dan:
So, solo... Look at that-
Maureen:
Nailed it. Yes, crushed it.
Dan:
... Maureen Johnson. You got it.
Maureen:
Crushed it. Oh my God!
Dan:
You still got it.
Maureen:
I got it, man. I got it. You have to admit you're a little tiny bit impressed.
Dan:
I am more than a little bit impressed. I am very impressed.
Maureen:
There's that voice he's got, "Dream your dream and what you..." (singing) Yeah. (singing) Do we have the rights to this? Can I sing this without being sued by Kajagoogoo? Also-
Dan:
Somebody is getting a phone call right now. "Sir. Sir, we've got one."
Maureen:
Hello?
Dan:
We've got one.
Maureen:
Finally. Finally, someone has summoned Limahl.
Dan:
They dust the legal book off.
Maureen:
Sir-
Dan:
Finally.
Maureen:
... How much is it worth Jenkins?
Dan:
Speaking of books, Maureen-
Maureen:
Are you trying to get me to talk about something other-
Dan:
Yeah, I was trying to get us through the ads.
Maureen:
... Than Limahl AKA Kajagoogoo? Books are... Well, they're a window to another world, Dan, a different world, a better world. And I'm going to go off to the woods tomorrow to write a book that I've been writing. It's not new, but because this new book actually takes place in the woods, it's going to be good to be in the woods. In fact, the more I think about it, where I'm going is... The past murders took place at a 1970s sleepover camp and the place I'm going to is going to be quite a lot like the place I'm setting a whole bunch of murders. So, books-
Dan:
What could go wrong?
Maureen:
Honestly? If you have the Kindle Unlimited, it is still free to read through the interviews. And for some reason, again, the paperback is still the mysterious $4 and 98 cents, I don't know why.
Dan:
That's nothing.
Maureen:
But obviously, if you get books... Independent bookstores, independent bookstores and also, I don't know if I mentioned independent bookstores.
Dan:
Sounds good. Speaking of independent stores, you can go to merch.sayswhopodcast.com and get Says Who merchandise, including our brand new and really nice, do more doom less mug, which can be yours. And then you can start your day like me with that exact mug and you go, "Oh, I should've listened to the mug."
Maureen:
That mug turned out really nice.
Dan:
It really did.
Maureen:
It looks good.
Dan:
merch.sayswhopodcast.com.
Maureen:
When I go into the woods you know what I'm taking with me, is my neck thing that says, "These aren't bright guys and things just got out of hand."
Dan:
Nice.
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
Nice.
Maureen:
Haven't been able to wear that in the city because it's too hot, but I'll be wearing that up in the woods.
Dan:
There you go. Can I ask a question, Maureen?
Maureen:
Yes.
Dan:
Is there some large cartoon clock behind you or are you strapped to some sort of timer based explosive device?
Maureen:
It's both.
Dan:
Okay.
Maureen:
That's a-
Dan:
Because there's a ticking.
Maureen:
Yeah. Oh, you hear that, Dan?
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
That's nice. Don't concentrate on the ticking then, don't listen to it.
Dan:
Okay. Is it bad?
Maureen:
No, no, no.
Dan:
Do you have a leak?
Maureen:
No, no, no, no.
Dan:
Okay.
Maureen:
Everything's fine Dan. Everything's going well right now, Dan.
Dan:
Okay.
Maureen:
Just focus on the sound Dan.
Dan:
All right. Okay.
Maureen:
And breath in, breath out. Hi Dan? I'm talking to Dan's subconscious now.
Dan:
Oh, hello.
Maureen:
Everything is fine Dan.
Dan:
Everything is fine, Dan.
Maureen:
The government is responding well to COVID.
Dan:
The government is responding well to COVID.
Maureen:
The situation is under control.
Dan:
The situation is under... Really, what is the ticking?
Maureen:
It's a fan.
Dan:
Okay. One of those tick fans.
Maureen:
Well, no-
Dan:
My word.
Maureen:
... It's a fan that is causing a little tin mirror I bought in Mexico to tap gently against the wall.
Dan:
My word.
Maureen:
But I'll hold the fan closer.
Dan:
There you go.
Maureen:
I bought this fan for I think $5 and I love it more than anything. It has little moon tiles on it. I love it so much. It's still ticking a little bit, isn't it? Yes, it is.
Dan:
Not anywhere near as pronounced.
Maureen:
Hold on, I'll put a post-it under there. That'll fix it. Just keep all this in. This is all gold.
Dan:
Definitely. This is the intro to the episode.
Maureen:
Hold on, let me get-
Dan:
This is letting people know that we run a tight ship.
Maureen:
I put a post-it under it.
Dan:
That should do it.
Maureen:
I think that worked.
Dan:
Nothing like the dampening powers of a post-it.
Maureen:
Honestly, what I just did is a better response to a problem than the United States government's response to COVID.
Dan:
Isn't that the truth?
Maureen:
Everything's fine. Hey everybody, welcome to Says Who Podcast. That was not-
Dan:
It's a coping strategy. I'm Dan Sinker.
Maureen:
Hey everybody, it's me Thicky Checks and my old dinosaur orchestra-
Dan:
Oh, no. Thicky Checks-
Maureen:
He's still here, Dan. He's still here.
Dan:
No, just inside your brain? Just there.
Maureen:
Yep. It's the summer of Thicky Checks.
Dan:
Oh, no.
Maureen:
Singing the ballet of Thicky Checks.
Dan:
How does the ballet of Thicky Checks go? No, I want to know.
Maureen:
(singing) Hey everybody, it's me Thicky Checks. I got my old dinosaur orchestra and everything. It's great where we are playing dinosaur songs. There's a T-Rex playing a trombone, there's a Brontosaurus with the drums. There's Abelisaurus with a violin. (singing)
Dan:
Oh, God!
Maureen:
Okay.
Dan:
What the fuck?
Maureen:
Really? Really?
Dan:
I don't even know what that was.
Maureen:
You asked me to give him a song.
Dan:
I know. And I just didn't know where we were going with that.
Maureen:
You didn't know that I'll be capable of doing it?
Dan:
Says Who-
Maureen:
Thicky Checks.
Dan:
... What is going on? Oh my goodness, do you hear that?
Maureen:
What?
Dan:
Do you hear all that above me?
Maureen:
No.
Dan:
Maybe, that doesn't come through. Okay. I think there's some vacuuming happening above me.
Maureen:
Dan, is this just a whole episode of, do you hear that? Is this our new spin-off podcast, do you hear that?
Dan:
We've run a tight ship, Maureen. We've run a tight ship. I asked the 14 year old about an hour and a half ago if he could vacuum the floor and apparently right now is when that finally got heard. So, glad about that. Glad about that. Maureen Johnson, the reason... I think I figured it out. We're recording a day early and everything is just off.
Maureen:
Yeah, not Tuesday.
Dan:
It's not Tuesday. We usually record on Tuesdays for release on Wednesday. Today we are releasing [inaudible 00:10:31] Today, we are recording on Monday the 20th of July. Do you not hear that? Really loud. It's really loud. Jesus.
Maureen:
Dan, are you okay?
Dan:
I don't know. I'm just going to talk through it. It's the 20th of July, Monday. So, instead of a one day turnaround, you will be hearing this in two days. What could possibly go wrong with that plan?
Maureen:
How dare you?
Dan:
What?
Maureen:
How dare you, Dan?
Dan:
With what? It's not my fault that time is going to fuck us. That's not me. That's not me. Right before we started recording, Trump announced that he is going to restart his corona virus updates tomorrow. So, we're not going to talk about that, but I guess actually we wouldn't talk about that because we would have recorded before. This is very distracting in my house right now.
Maureen:
But Dan, I don't think there's anything there.
Dan:
It's really loud in my own house. But Maureen there's a reason and a darn good one why we are recording early?
Maureen:
Yes, it's me. I'm the reason.
Dan:
It's you. You are the reason.
Maureen:
Yeah. Yeah, tomorrow, Oscar and I go into the woods.
Dan:
Into the woods.
Maureen:
Yeah. I have a lot of emotions about this as it turns out. It's intense.
Dan:
How come, Maureen?
Maureen:
Well, I feel incredibly excited and nervous and guilty-
Dan:
Okay.
Maureen:
... And I know that there's no reason to feel guilty, but that does not stop guilt from appearing because it turns out when you lock in for four months during a... When you've been in the city that had just a giant death rate and you're really locked down and you're sticking your toe out to try to do something different. You're so well trained that... You would think I was going away for six months to see what this place looks like now. All of the lists and post-its and things in separate Ziploc bags and... Because once we get there, I will likely go... I know that there's a Trader Joe's nearby, so I will likely go to a grocery store once and get us some stuff. And one good thing about this town because it's near Amherst, Massachusetts, all of the colleges let out immediately when this started. It's a college town, so the population instantly went down by about half or something like that. So, the population density isn't as great as it is here.
Dan:
Yeah. Well, I mean, that's pretty much true anywhere.
Maureen:
So, you can walk around the store and I'll be wearing two masks, gloves, possibly a helmet, I don't know. I have goggles somewhere, I wouldn't be surprised if I put the goggles on. I mean-
Dan:
I read a study about goggles. Goggles are a good idea. But Maureen Johnson enough about that let's talk you and your travels, you all are heading up tomorrow.
Maureen:
Yeah. Yeah.
Dan:
You're you're trying to pull off a closed loop.
Maureen:
Yeah. Yeah, it's intense. So, I'm renting a car, but it's one of those car share things, a Zipcar, so you don't have to see anybody, although there might be a garage attendant. So, I'll have to figure out how to tell them, just sort of, just let me have the car... Just leave it in a spot so I can go in and blast it with Lysol and Clorox wipes. And then spray Lysol directly into the air vents and then just let it blast air out for about five minutes to clear everything. Yeah. And then we just drive. I bring the car here, we load it up and then we drive. And then we drive. We can stop for Dexie to go to the bathroom.
Dan:
Good, because that would get gross.
Maureen:
I presumably Oscar... I think she just may sleep. It's not a super long drive. It's an achievable-
Dan:
Our dog just seriously goes into full on hibernation mode when you're in the car. Sometimes you're like, "Oh, I guess we should stop for the dog. It's been four hours." And she'll be like, "What? Huh? Why?"
Maureen:
Yeah. They just kind of power down.
Dan:
Yeah. Low power mode, that's what we call it.
Maureen:
Yeah. It's like, "Oh, I guess this is happening to me. I like it, don't understand it, just going to sleep through it."
Dan:
So, you're just one short up heading into an empty barn in the woods.
Maureen:
Now I am a person who has to pee a lot, Dan. It is a feature of my personality.
Dan:
It's quite a feature. I remember reading that in your bio.
Maureen:
Yeah. And I am prepared... Look Dan, there's a lot of rest stops with undergrowth trees, places you can pull off along the scenic pull of stops.
Dan:
Look, I see where this is going and where it's going is getting some poison oak where the sun don't shine.
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
It's all right. Just some calamine lotion. What could go wrong?
Maureen:
Is this a good podcast? I don't-
Dan:
Who knows? Thankfully, it's gotten quieter up here, but Maureen Johnson-
Maureen:
Yes.
Dan:
... You're heading out. We will have an episode next week recorded from the barn.
Maureen:
From the woods-
Dan:
Exciting.
Maureen:
... From another location, from a second location.
Dan:
From an undisclosed location.
Maureen:
Do you think I'll sound different?
Dan:
Probably. You'll probably sound relaxed. I would like to sound relaxed.
Maureen:
Dan, when do you think it'll be next relaxed?
Dan:
Never, never. I had a very sad thing. I mean, it was sort of cute and sort of sad this weekend, Maureen. So, we have taken to going on Sunday drives where we will just sort of all jump in the car, head out, do sort of a 40 minute drive and head back to the house. You never really getting out or anything. And yesterday the five-year-old, we would drive by something like a 7-Eleven and he'd be like, "Oh, 7-Eleven, I love that place." Then he would go, "Next year can we go to 7-Eleven?" He just knows now. Early on in this whole thing, we called it the sickness, to explain to him why his school was canceled and that sort of thing. And he used to ask like, "Oh, when is the sickness going to be over? When the sickness is over, can we blah, blah, blah?" And I realized this weekend, at some point he has internalized that nothing is ending anytime soon. And so now it is all next year we can do this thing or the other thing. And it was sort of heartbreaking.
Maureen:
I'm sorry. That is-
Dan:
It's all right. It's all right. It's all right. I mean, in some ways he understands and so that's helpful, but yeah, it was... I think that was in the answer of when will I feel not stressed and maybe next year, may be next year.
Maureen:
It will be very interesting what different recollections the teenager and the little guy have of this.
Dan:
Right. I definitely can... When my grandparents were alive and they would talk about being alive during the war and things and as children and... I think they would have been children during World War, I don't know. But anyway, point being, I think about them and stories they would tell about being children during the depression and shit, that's what it was. And yeah, it'll be kind of like that. It'll be like that. Welcome everyone to Says Who, we cheer you up.
Maureen:
Dan, we got to talk about something cheerful. You've got a cheerful story?
Dan:
I'm looking at the list.
Maureen:
Okay.
Dan:
I'm looking at the show notes and I'm not finding that so much. Maybe we'll skip that. Okay. Just skip that. Definitely skip that one-
Maureen:
All right, let's do the-
Dan:
... We can talk about Goya Foods.
Maureen:
All right, let's do Goya. That's funny.
Dan:
We just literally skipped three quarters of the episode. All right. Maureen Johnson, this is a topic close to your heart when we're talking about beans.
Maureen:
Yes, it is.
Dan:
There has been a cultural war that was kicked off earlier this month around Goya brand beans, when the CEO of Goya foods went to the white house and in a speech from the Rose Garden, praised the president saying, "We are all truly blessed to have a leader like president Trump." And that kicked off a movement to boycott Goya, which then kicked off a performative movement from the right to praise Goya in really weird and awkward ways.
Maureen:
Yes, it did.
Dan:
I don't know that I've ever seen more people that clearly have never navigated a can of beans before in my life. Tried to really endorse themselves as OG bean people.
Maureen:
Every vegetarian cracked their knuckles and said, "Let's fucking do this."
Dan:
You're all like, "It's go time."
Maureen:
Yeah, let's go. You want to talk about beans? You want to talk about beans with us? You want to talk about beans with the Latinx community who... I mean, Goya talk... I mean, that's a staple, I've got probably five cans of Goya in my house right now and there're-
Dan:
We're more of a lot Preferita house, but even we have plenty of Goya.
Maureen:
Yeah. I mean, because you could always get Goya beans in the... Well, before they fucked us, but there're lots of photos now of wholefoods places kind of, with every other bean is bought and there's just a whole rack of Goya sitting there.
Dan:
It is a dumb culture war, but it did grace us last week with a picture of Ivanka Trump wearing what I think is a white silk dress and holding a can of Goya black beans like a spokesmodel, in one hand and then hand below sort of doing the sort of caress and present sort of motion.
Maureen:
Yeah. That was another-
Dan:
And she tweeted out, "If it's Goya, it has to be good." I don't think she's ever eaten a Goya bean.
Maureen:
Yeah, followed by then the president putting out a photo of his desk loaded down with Goya.
Dan:
The Resolute desk itself in the Oval Office with a bag of dried kidney beans, a bottle of adobo spices, a can of white beans, a can of coconut milk and a box of chocolate wafers.
Maureen:
Which I had always forgotten that they make chocolate wafers.
Dan:
The only Goya cookie that I have ever consumed are the Maria cookies, which are very good, but that felt like an especially off-brand representative Goya product by a lot.
Maureen:
I would love... Because there were some senator or somebody that was like, "We're all about Goya beans in my house." I would love... I would pay so much money to see one of these dumb fuckers, now that they've strapped themselves to big bean, just sitting there like, "No, all right. I got eat all these motherfucking beans now." Just they've bought all these beans, they've never had beans, they don't know what to do with them. They're clawing opening the bags, just digging their stubby little meat fingers in there like, "How do you open this bag?" The beans spill everywhere, "What do you do? Just eat them like jelly bean?" And they're just crawling around the floor with their little meat fingers, trying to pick loose beans before the dog gets them. Just chomping and trying to eat raw beans, breaking their teeth and screaming. And then they crawl back up the cabinets back up to the counter, reaching around, they grab the counter like, "I got to eat these beans," and then they're poking the can or shaking it or just yelling at it, "Open! Open!"
Maureen:
And then they start hitting it with different utensils and then they get the can opener and they bang it in there a couple of times before they.... The can falls down there. It's got that bean slime in it and the beans are in there. And they don't rinse some or drain them or anything, just stick those meat fingers there, it's all covered in the kind of ectoplasmic kind of after-birth goop and they're just, "Uh, beans." And they're just putting the cold moist beans into their mouth and that kind of ecto stuff is just dripping down their chin and crying because it's gross and they're like, "These motherfucking beans."
Maureen:
And then they try to walk, when they're walking they got the can and the lid is flipped open like on a Bugs Bunny cartoon and they're still walking through the kitchen and they slip on the beans that are on the floor and the other cans, all the beans, they go flying. And the can tips upside down, they're on the floor just surrounded by wet beans, dry beans, the dog is licking it, they're crying, they're bleeding. There's just this stuff is running down their cheeks, "I can't eat that." And they look over sadly at this mountain of beans that they've purchased, they go, "I hate all these motherfucking beans. Bury me, I'm going to eat beans. Why do people eat these? What have I done? What have I sold my soul for, now I got to eat all these motherfucking beans." And they're talking funny because they've broken their teeth and they're crying, it's mixed with gum blood as in, "I can't eat these beans. Oh God! Oh God! My soul." That's sort of how I picture it, Dan.
Dan:
I can't breath.
Maureen:
It's a lot how I picture it.
Dan:
My mouth hurts.
Maureen:
That is really everything that went through my head when I saw the picture of that guy talking about how much he loves beans. They don't know what to do with beans.
Dan:
It's a vivid picture.
Maureen:
They don't know what to do with beans.
Dan:
They don't know what to do with anything. Well, Maureen Johnson-
Maureen:
I know what to do with all of that.
Dan:
While all of these people are fucking around with canned beans, people are fucking dying. President Trump sat down with Fox News' Chris Wallace this Sunday for what he thought was going to be a friendly Fox News interview dealing with COVID response and the reelection and how Donald Trump passed the cognitive test. And it ended up being surprisingly confrontational with Chris Wallace calling Trump out repeatedly on lies and misrepresentations to his face, which brings us to today's edition of SaysWhosterpiece Theater.
Dan:
Playing the role of Fox News' Chris Wallace will be Maureen Johnson. Playing the role of president Donald Trump will be Dan Sinker. We join this interview with purpose.
Maureen:
"Now Mr. President you'll be happy to know that Fox News has a new poll out today." Is this how he talks?
Dan:
I don't know. He's got an old timey-
Maureen:
"Hey..."
Dan:
"... I'll tell you what kid..."
Maureen:
"So, you're going to be the very first person to hear about it. In the national horse race, Joe Biden lead you by points 49% to 41. That's three or four points lower than it was a month ago. And on the issues people trust Biden want to handle the corona virus by 17 points. So, on race relations by 21 points and even on the economy they trust Biden by more than one point. I understand you still have more than 100 days to win this election, but at this point you're losing."
Dan:
"First of all, I'm not losing because those are fake polls. They were fake in 2016 and now they'll be even more fake. The polls were much worse in 2016. They interviewed 22% Republicans. Well, how do you do 22% Republican? You see what's going on, I have other polls that put me leading and we have polls where I'm leading. I have a poll where we're leading in every swing state. And I don't believe that you're... First of all, whoever does your Fox polls, they're among the worst. They got it wrong in 2016, they've been wrong on every poll I've ever seen."
Maureen:
"I must tell you-"
Dan:
"No, I'm just telling you. And let me ask you this, so I've always led on the economy by a lot."
Maureen:
"I know that's why I'm surprised by this number."
Dan:
"Biden can't put two sentences together, they wheel him out. He goes up, he repeats, they ask him questions, he reads the teleprompter and then goes back into his basement. You tell me the American people want us to have it in that age where we're in trouble with other nations that are looking to do numbers on us."
Maureen:
"So, let me ask you a direct question-"
Dan:
"No, no."
Maureen:
"No, I'm going to ask you a direct question about Joe Biden. Is Joe Biden Synanon?"
Dan:
"Well, I don't want to say that. I'd say he's not competent to be president. To be president you have to be sharp and tough and so many other things. He doesn't even come out of his basement. They think it's a great campaign, so he goes in, "I'll make a speech, it'll be a great speech," and some young guy starts writing vice president Biden said this, this, this, this, he didn't say it. Joe doesn't know he's alive. Okay. He doesn't know he's alive. Do the American people want that? Number one, number two, I built the greatest economy ever built anywhere in the world. Not only of this country, anywhere in the world, until we got hit with the China virus. We got hit with the virus, shouldn't have happened, we had to close up, we saved millions of lives.
Dan:
Now, we've opened it up, go back to school, we're open. We've got to do things. We had the best job numbers we've ever had last month. We should have had good ones coming up in two weeks. Look, I built the greatest economy in history. I'm now doing it again. You see the numbers? The numbers are through the roof. The Democrats are purposefully keeping their schools closed, keeping their states closed. I called Michigan, I want to have a big rally in Michigan. Do you know they're not allowed to have a rally in Michigan? Do you know we're not allowed to have a rally in Minnesota? Do you know that we're not allowed to have a rally in Nevada? We're not allowed to have rallies?"
Maureen:
"Well, some people would say it's a health-"
Dan:
"It's Democrat run states."
Maureen:
"Wait a minute, some people would say that it's a health risk, sir."
Dan:
"Some people would say it's fine."
Maureen:
"I mean, we had some issues after Tulsa."
Dan:
"But I would guarantee if everything had gone a 100% in Tulsa, they still wouldn't allow it. They're not allowing me to do it. So, they're not allowing me to have rallies."
Maureen:
"But I've got to tell you if I may sir, respectfully in the Fox poll, they asked people who is more competent, whose mind is sounder, Biden didn't beat you in that."
Dan:
"Well, I'll tell you what. Let's take a test. Let's take a test right now. Let's go down Joe. Joe and I will take a test. Let him take the same test that I took."
Maureen:
"Incidentally, I took the test too when I first heard you passed it."
Dan:
"Oh yeah, how'd you do?"
Maureen:
"Well, it's not the hardest test. They have a picture and it says what's that? And it's an elephant."
Dan:
"No, no, no, no. You see, that's all misrepresentation."
Maureen:
"Well, that's what's on the web."
Dan:
"It's all misrepresentation because yes, the first few questions are easy, but I'll bet you couldn't even answer the last five. I bet you couldn't, they get very hard, the last five questions."
Maureen:
"Well, one of them was count back from 100 by seven."
Dan:
"Let me tell you-"
Maureen:
"93."
Dan:
"... You couldn't..." Sorry. He just starts to count backwards. Sorry.
Maureen:
"Sir! Sir!"
Dan:
"You couldn't answer many of the questions."
Maureen:
"Okay, what's the question?"
Dan:
"Well, I'll get you the test. I'd like to give it. I guarantee you that Joe Biden could not answer those questions."
Maureen:
"Okay."
Dan:
"Okay. And I answered all 35 questions correctly."
Maureen:
Well, it sounds like quite a test, Dan.
Dan:
It does sound like quite a test, Maureen. And I think that you should take it.
Maureen:
Okay.
Dan:
This test that Trump is bragging about seems to be something called the Montreal Cognitive Assessment test, which is used to detect mild cognitive impairment. As far as we know, Trump hasn't taken this test recently. He took it in January 2018 as part of his physical and he bragged about passing it then. But on Hannity Show a week or two ago, he also mentioned the test in conjunction with Biden's mental acuity and bragged how his doctors were so surprised at how well he did. And in that interview, he actually implied that he'd taken it really recently, but there is no record that he took it anytime, but in 2018. As a side note, it's actually not even 100% clear that he took his annual physical this year, but that's neither here nor there, but Maureen Johnson-
Maureen:
Yes.
Dan:
... He passed it. Chris... What's his name? Wallace passed it, can you pass it? I have it up.
Maureen:
We're about to find... All right. I have not seen this-
Dan:
Nope.
Maureen:
... So, I genuinely... It's 35 questions?
Dan:
No. So, it's 30 points.
Maureen:
Okay.
Dan:
It is not 35 questions. So, maybe he got some bonus points or something. It is not 35 questions. And we are going to skip a few because they are visual in nature. I will-
Maureen:
Okay. How many questions are there?
Dan:
Of the ones that we are doing, there are one, two, three, four, five, six, seven and eight. Nine.
Maureen:
All right.
Dan:
And we are going to skip four. I will describe the ones that we are going to skip. There are three that are described as visual, spatial and executive. The first one is you have to connect dots. They're dots that are both numbered and lettered, and you have to go from one to A, and then A to two, and then two to B, and B to three, three to C. You get the idea. Then there is a sort of a 3D drawing of a cube that you're supposed to copy. Then there is a blank and it says, draw a clock, 10 past 11:00. Then there are three line drawings of animals. There is a lion, a rhinoceros and a camel. And you are supposed to name those three. So, those are the ones that we are going to skip.
Maureen:
Okay.
Dan:
All right. I'm going to read you five words and you have to repeat them-
Maureen:
I'm going to do this, all right.
Dan:
It's okay. It's okay. Just take a breath. Remind yourself that there is no time limit on this test.
Maureen:
Okay, okay.
Dan:
Okay. I'm going to read you five words and I want you to repeat them to me twice and then at the end of this test, you will also repeat them.
Maureen:
Okay.
Dan:
Okay. These are the words: Face, velvet, church, daisy, red.
Maureen:
Face, velvet, church, daisy, red. Face, velvet, church, daisy, red.
Dan:
Excellent. I'm going to read you five numbers and I want you to repeat them. Two, one, eight, five, four.
Maureen:
Two, one, eight, five, four.
Dan:
Now, I'm going to read you three numbers and I want you to repeat them backwards. Seven, four, two.
Maureen:
Two, four, seven.
Dan:
Excellent. Okay. This one you're supposed to tap with the hand each time you hear the letter A, but maybe clap instead-
Maureen:
All right.
Dan:
... And I'm going to just read you a bunch of letters.
Maureen:
So, every time I hear the letter A, I clap?
Dan:
Yes.
Maureen:
Okay. Got it.
Dan:
F-B-A-C-M-N-A-A-J.
Maureen:
Nope, sorry. I tried to sneak one in there then I started laughing. Okay.
Dan:
K-L-B-A-F-A-K-D-E-A-A-A-J-A-M-O-F-A-A. All right. All right, here's the tricky one. I want you to count backwards from 100 by sevens for one, two, three, four-
Maureen:
93.
Dan:
Yeah. Keep going.
Maureen:
I'm sorry, you were about to say... You were finishing that... By-
Dan:
There's one, two, three, four, five, six iterations down from 100.
Maureen:
All right, I have to stop and think about this.
Dan:
Yeah, that's fine. Like I said, there is no speed.
Maureen:
93, 86, 79, 72, 65.
Dan:
That's it. Good.
Maureen:
Okay.
Dan:
You passed all of them.
Maureen:
All right.
Dan:
Okay. Now, I'm going to say two sentences and I want you to repeat them. I only know that John is the one to help today.
Maureen:
I only know that John is the one to help today.
Dan:
The cat always hid under the couch when dogs were in the room.
Maureen:
The cat always hid under the couch when dogs were in the room.
Dan:
Okay-
Maureen:
I tried to get that a little better.
Dan:
... Now, I want you to name words... I have to get a timer out. All right, hang on. You have one minute to name as many words as you can think of that start with the letter F-
Maureen:
Am I starting now?
Dan:
... And go.
Maureen:
Flower with the W, flour with the U, face, fingers, fickle, female, frank, filbert, fauna, fan, funny, France, French, french fries, fries, frivol, to shake it. Friendlies, friendly, funny, fascist, free, fermented. I was about to say photograph. Fun, furniture, front. I want to say words that don't exist like frimble. Funnel, fountain-
Dan:
Done.
Maureen:
... Fingerprints.
Dan:
All right. That was five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 28.
Maureen:
Is that okay?
Dan:
That's great. Anything better than 11 is a win there.
Maureen:
All right.
Dan:
All right, we're almost done. Next one-
Maureen:
Did I get the one for frimble?
Dan:
Sure.
Maureen:
Okay.
Dan:
Okay. So, I'm going to do two analogies and you have to... Two things, you have to describe what connects them. So, the example they give is banana and orange, they are both fruits. Okay?
Maureen:
Fruit, that's another one.
Dan:
Yeah, true. Train, bicycle.
Maureen:
They're modes of transportation.
Dan:
Great. Watch, ruler.
Maureen:
They're measurements.
Dan:
Perfect. Okay. We are well within those final five tricky ones by the way, because there are only two left.
Maureen:
Okay. All right, all right.
Dan:
I want you to recall with no cue, the five words that you had to remember at the start.
Maureen:
Okay. That was face, velvet, church, daisy, red.
Dan:
Boom. Finally, what is the date?
Maureen:
Finally, that's another one. Now just the F word, Fuck. That is a good one.
Dan:
That was a good one. What is the date?
Maureen:
Good question. I believe... I actually looked at the clock by accident it's 20th of July.
Dan:
Okay. The month you've got as well, the year?
Maureen:
I said I looked at the clock, I meant the calendar app-
Dan:
It's okay.
Maureen:
... It's 2020.
Dan:
Yes. It sure is. Do you know the day of the week?
Maureen:
No. It's Monday.
Dan:
Do you know the place you are in?
Maureen:
Yes, I do.
Dan:
And it is?
Maureen:
It's New York City, baby.
Dan:
Well, no, that's the city, which is the next question. What is the place you're in?
Maureen:
I'm in my apartment, Dan.
Dan:
There you go. Maureen Johnson-
Maureen:
Did I pass?
Dan:
... You got a 100.
Maureen:
Yes.
Dan:
You passed-
Maureen:
Yes.
Dan:
... I mean, maybe you would have gotten tricked up at the naming of animals line drawings, but you passed. The five words, that one you just hit with pure authority.
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
Face, velvet, church, daisy, red. That should be the name of this episode.
Maureen:
Yeah. Yeah. You make a little mnemonic, Dan. You make a little sentence to remember it. You make a little memory palace like Sherlock.
Dan:
Did you?
Maureen:
Yeah. You make a little memory palace.
Dan:
What was your mnemonic?
Maureen:
It wasn't in a mnemonic, it was a little memory... I just had little images. Just had a little images dancing through my head.
Dan:
Aw.
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
Maureen Johnson, that is the test where he says, "The first few questions are easy, but I'll bet you couldn't even answer the last five questions."
Maureen:
What were the last-
Dan:
To remind you, the final question was to recite the day, month, year, place and city.
Maureen:
Those were the hard ones?
Dan:
No, that was... I'm going to assume that is one question. So, that would be one. Two was the delayed recall. So, face, velvet, church, daisy, red late afterwards, so that'd be two. Three would be the difference or the similarity between words, train and bicycle, and watch and ruler. Four from the bottom would be the maximum number of words that begin with the letter F, you had to name more than 11. And the fifth would be to repeat the sentences; I only know that John is the one to help today, and the cat always hid under the couch when dogs were in the room.
Maureen:
Those are the tough ones?
Dan:
Those are the tough ones.
Maureen:
All right. And that's our president, huh?
Dan:
Yeah. Yeah.
Maureen:
Nailing it daily.
Dan:
Yeah. Now the purpose of the test, obviously, despite the fact that he repeatedly talks about how well he did on it and how amazed doctors were and they've never seen someone do so well on it and all of that. The point of the test is really to see if you can take the test. It is not so much, can you correctly identify an elephant or a rhinoceros-
Maureen:
Right.
Dan:
... It is, can you follow the directions? Can you hold things in your head for a moment? It is very much a test that is used to figure out... To start a process of early Alzheimer's or some other levels of dementia, other types of cognitive decline. But it is not about, can you-
Maureen:
Nail this.
Dan:
... Yeah, can you nail it? It is about, can you take it? And he is very proud. He doesn't think Joe Biden can do that. I think Joe Biden could probably do that.
Maureen:
Joe Biden could.
Dan:
Oh boy-
Maureen:
Oh, hey.
Dan:
... I'll create into that one.
Maureen:
[inaudible 00:47:03]
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
Hey Dan, guess what?
Dan:
What?
Maureen:
It's a really hot day out, how's the day to you?
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
You know what happens on a hot day?
Dan:
You drink iced tea.
Maureen:
You do that. You do drink some ice tea Dan, it's true. Right.
Dan:
You sit in front of a fan-
Maureen:
And then?
Dan:
... You get some space-
Maureen:
True.
Dan:
... Maybe you fill a little pool in your yard.
Maureen:
(singing)
Dan:
Oh boy.
Maureen:
(singing)
Dan:
What?
Maureen:
He'd crush it.
Dan:
He would. How many-
Maureen:
He'd crush it, Dan.
Dan:
... I'm curious, Amy Carter's Shoe-
Maureen:
Yes.
Dan:
... How many words with F can you name?
Maureen:
Are you ready?
Dan:
I'm not.
Maureen:
Fingers-
Dan:
Oh God! Oh no.
Maureen:
... Flaps, vagina.
Dan:
That's enough. You passed. You passed with vagina.
Maureen:
I've some other ones.
Dan:
You're going away, Maureen. I know there are, but I don't want to hear them. You are going away Maureen Johnson.
Maureen:
She's got very good vocabulary.
Dan:
Wide range. You're going away. Are you going to... You're not going to look at the news, are you?
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
Stay away from it.
Maureen:
No, Dan. There's no way.
Dan:
Just look outside.
Maureen:
I am going to swim.
Dan:
You're probably going to see deer and shit.
Maureen:
Yeah. Yeah. We'll need a lot of tick spray.
Dan:
There you go. Got to keep-
Maureen:
Natural tick spray not the stuff with DEET.
Dan:
Is natural tick spray just like wolf pee?
Maureen:
Maybe. It's citronella and rosemary oil and shit like that. It's just not as toxic.
Dan:
When the teen was a very young child in preschool, he went to a preschool and part of the deal with the preschool was they spent a bunch of time outside every day, even in the winter and in the heat of the summer. And so you would need to send him with bug spray and we were like, "Oh, we're good parents. We're sending him with natural bug spray, citronella bug lotion." And about a couple of weeks in one of the teachers pulled us aside and was like, "We're going to need you to stop sending that bug lotion because the whole classroom smells like it." They were very nice about it. They were like, "Can't you just use the stuff everyone else uses?"
Maureen:
You have stared at hippy.
Dan:
That's what you're going to smell like basically. You're going to get to be out in nature and a swim in a pond-
Maureen:
Dexie is getting back tonight-
Dan:
... Catch frogs.
Maureen:
... She's getting a-
Dan:
Oh man!
Maureen:
... Catch frogs? Pockets full of frogs. Frog, that's another one.
Dan:
The next chapter of your book is going to be all words with the letter F.
Maureen:
Yes, it is. I'm trying to think of a color that begins with F.
Dan:
Fuchsia is a color that starts with letter F.
Maureen:
Fuchsia is a color?
Dan:
Yeah, there you go.
Maureen:
There are no... February starts with F.
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
This becomes exciting new podcast of, can you list words that begins with the letter... And I can guarantee to you that right now, probably some people listening to this are now going on little tracks in their mind where they're just without realizing-
Dan:
Definitely.
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
They're yelling at the speaker right now being like, "You forgot..." Oh, that's one.
Maureen:
Forgot, freeze. Forgot. Fake is probably the one he said.
Dan:
Yeah, probably.
Maureen:
"Fake news." No, just fake, sir. "Fake news."
Dan:
You get to go outside. Did I talk about this on this podcast that the best thing I have done all quarantine was buy a bird feeder?
Maureen:
You did.
Dan:
Yeah. Now, we've bought two more and we set one up this weekend and it just attracted its first birds today. It's very exciting. Very exciting.
Maureen:
Did you make a little bird house yet?
Dan:
No, because I think you mentioned that at some point on Saturday, recording bonus content and it was only two days ago, Maureen. Come on, what do you think I'm doing?
Maureen:
Just making bird house.
Dan:
What do you think I'm doing?
Maureen:
Constantly making bird houses.
Dan:
It's just constant. It's constant bird housing-
Maureen:
You can order a bird house, Dan.
Dan:
I am excited for you, Maureen. Just-
Maureen:
I'm excited too. Yeah.
Dan:
But you said there's a pond?
Maureen:
Yes, there is.
Dan:
You should throw your phone in the pond.
Maureen:
Is that wise?
Dan:
Yes. Just chuck it right... See if it skips. If you can skip it across the pond, you can use it at the end of the week. But if you can't then it's just done, either way you win.
Maureen:
Is that how you win?
Dan:
Mm-hmm (affirmative) That's definitely how you win right now. You're going. You're going. You're going. We're all stuck here, but you're going.
Maureen:
I see, now I feel bad again.
Dan:
No, you don't need to feel bad. It's fine. We'll be fine, Maureen-
Maureen:
Dan.
Dan:
... We'll be fine. It's fine. We'll be fine. Says Who is made possible by you.
Maureen:
Now I feel really bad.
Dan:
All of us not in the woods in a pond.
Maureen:
You see this-
Dan:
Through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho, where every Sunday, including this next Sunday, because we recorded it early because Maureen's going up into the woods. It's fine-
Maureen:
Dan.
Dan:
... You get a special quarantine Sunday episode if you are a $5 a month backer on our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho. Theme music is performed by Ted Leo. He doesn't live in the woods, but I think he lives near an ocean. I think that might be true.
Maureen:
I thought he lived in the woods. He doesn't live in the woods?
Dan:
No, no. I believe he lives in a grange hall somewhere, but I think it's in an ocean town.
Maureen:
What is a grange hall?
Dan:
Well, spoken like somebody who doesn't spend a lot of time in the woods.
Maureen:
Grange hall?
Dan:
Grange halls are like community centers in rural towns. That's my best definition of a grange hall.
Maureen:
Like a corn palace or something or-
Dan:
Kind of yeah, like corn palace.
Maureen:
... Corn exchange?
Dan:
Sure. We'll go with that. Our logo is designed by Darth. Darth is a red panda, probably lives in the woods.
Maureen:
Yeah. He definitely lives the woods. Definitely.
Dan:
I mean, where do red pandas live? They live in China or something. You can contact us @sayswhopodcast on Twitter. You can email at hey, that is H-E-Y @sayswhopodcast.com. You can join the discussion on Facebook at /groups/sayswhovians. Our Facebook group is moderated by Janice Dillard, and once again continues to be a source of support and joy and everything else during this fucking wild-ass time. So, if you're not heading up into the woods, but you need people to turn to, that's a good place to turn to. You can spread the word, subscribe and please leave stars and reviews on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen. Maybe you're listening, not in the woods and you'd leave a review and say that-
Maureen:
Dan, you know-
Dan:
What? Nothing.
Maureen:
Go on.
Dan:
What? Nothing. You can join us next Wednesday, July 29th for our next episode. Maureen, where are you going to be when we record that episode?
Maureen:
You know what? I'm just not going to go. I'm not going to go.
Dan:
I'm just jealous. I want you to go so badly, but also I want to go.
Maureen:
I'm jealous of myself.
Dan:
Yeah. That's going to be significant, it's going to be great. You're going to come back and you're going to just be like, "That was the right decision."
Maureen:
I hope so-
Dan:
You will.
Maureen:
... Or I'm not going to come back.
Dan:
That's also a good decision. For real. Just stay.
Maureen:
Yeah, we discussed this-
Dan:
We discussed this on the Town Watch, right.
Maureen:
You can't just move into your friend's house.
Dan:
Sure, you can. They're your friend, what are they going to do?
Maureen:
Make you leave?
Dan:
They aren't going to do that. They're your friend. They're just going to be like, "Oh, it's wonderful to have my friend here all the time." Who wouldn't be happy about that?
Maureen:
I mean, most people do like to see me.
Dan:
See. For real.
Maureen:
Imagine if I just showed up at your door like, "Dan, let me in. Let me in!"
Dan:
It'd be all right. It would be okay. Well, we wouldn't let you in-
Maureen:
No.
Dan:
... But you could... For you Maureen, I would set up a tent in our tiny little yard where you could stay for two weeks and then I'd let you in.
Maureen:
Just seeing my little face at the window.
Dan:
You and the birds.
Maureen:
I think the little guy would like that.
Dan:
He would love it.
Maureen:
The little guy and I get along.
Dan:
We gave him a copy of the game, Ticket to Ride, which is a complex board game about trains, but they make a junior version and we gave him that for his birthday this year. And we've been playing it and it is a map of the United States. And when we set it up, he always says, "Here's where we live," and he points to Chicago on the map. And then he points to Los Angeles and he says, "This is where you go for work sometimes." And I go, "Yep." And then he points to New York and he goes, "This is where Maureen lives."
Maureen:
What?
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
No, he doesn't.
Dan:
He does. He does. And then he points to Denver and says that, that's where his aunt lives. So, you're always in his heart.
Maureen:
My heart just exploded.
Dan:
There you go. There you go.
Maureen:
Oh my God, Dan.
Dan:
That's good. And then we play and the five-year-old wamps everyone's fucking ass in that game, Jesus Christ. Dude is a fucking train tycoon.
Maureen:
Vagina.
Dan:
From my basement in Chicago, I'm Dan sinker.
Maureen:
That's another one, from. It's true.
Dan:
From... Yeah.
Maureen:
From my apartment in New... I'm looking for more F words Dan-
Dan:
F-New F-York.
Maureen:
Trying to think of an F. From Florida, there we go. Florida is an F word.
Dan:
That's true.
Maureen:
Florida is an F word. Live from Disney World, I'm Maureen... By the way, Dan, newsflash-
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
... I may have sent you this yesterday that because things are going great down in Disney World, they have issued a new rule... Breaking in the podcast news, that you can't eat or drink while walking.
Dan:
Yeah. Yeah. Just sounds nice.
Maureen:
Because people were taking their masks off to eat or drink and then walk around-
Dan:
It's true.
Maureen:
... So, now you have to remain stationary while you eat or drink. Fun, really fun vacation.
Dan:
Just leave your cashews at the door.
Maureen:
Fun.
Dan:
Stand still in the Magic Kingdom, enjoy yourself.
Maureen:
That sounds good.
Dan:
It sounds nice.
Maureen:
Stand stock-still either eat or drink, go to the mask off comfort area because that makes sense.
Dan:
Yep. A lot of them are inside, which really seems smart.
Maureen:
The mask off conference... They're inside?
Dan:
Yes. There're outdoor ones, but also there are indoor ones because it's hot, they got AC. What could go wrong?
Maureen:
You can't see it I'm pinching the bridge of my nose. I don't think I've ever done that so automatically.
Dan:
Yeah. Yeah. They've converted... In the Magic Kingdom, one of the mask free zones is the big top souvenirs building in the little kids' kind of circus themed area. You can go inside, take your mask off, breathe some cold air conditioning, what could go wrong?
Maureen:
Fun. Goddamn it, Dan.
Dan:
What could go wrong? Well, from my basement in Chicago, I'm Dan Sinker.
Maureen:
And hey, from our orchestra here in New York City, I'm Thicky Checks.
Dan:
And this has been-
Maureen:
And this has been Kajagoogoo.
Dan:
... Says Who. I'm impressed that you remembered that name.
Maureen:
Kajagoogoo?
Dan:
Well, that you remembered that that dude who did not perform by the name Kajagoogoo at that moment was in fact from Kajagoogoo.
Maureen:
I have good memory, Dan.
Dan:
You do, you do. Can you recite the five words?
Maureen:
Mm-hmm (affirmative)
Dan:
Let's hear them.
Maureen:
Face, velvet, church, daisy, red.
Dan:
Bang! Bang! Next president of United States, Maureen Johnson.
Maureen:
(singing)