Get your pencils! Get your backpacks! Get your books! School’s in session! Maybe! Wait, maybe not. Kind of. Who knows!
It’s that wonderful time of year when either all students or some or none go back to school for an unknown period of time until everything closes down again and Dan is fine with it. Dan’s own Danlings are staying home, which means turning the house into a school. But all of this makes sense. Loads of sense.
Meanwhile, Joe Biden picks a running mate, the DNC starts, the post office is under attack, and Maureen has decided that maybe she doesn’t want to talk abut news anymore. Maybe there shouldn’t be news. Talking about school is okay, though. Or books. Or maybe not books, because she didn’t sound to happy about that either.
Can Dan and Maureen muddle through? Can Dan teach kindergarten? Can Maureen write? Are they… okay? Why do they keep laughing?
Buckle up, SaysWhovia. The bus is leaving.
Dan:
This ...
Maureen:
This ...
Dan:
This ...
Maureen:
This ...
Dan:
This ... I was going to see how long we would do that.
Maureen:
Stop stalling, Dan.
Dan:
This episode of Says Who is brought to you by you, through your support of our Patreon, at Patreon.com/Who, which is where every Sunday-
Maureen:
Says Who. Slash Says Who.
Dan:
Didn't I say that?
Maureen:
You said slash who.
Dan:
Well, everyone knew what I was talking about. Anyway, thanks for interrupting.
Maureen:
But-
Dan:
It's where every Sunday-
Maureen:
Am I breaking your flow?
Dan:
A little bit.
Maureen:
Oh. Okay. Sorry. Keep going.
Dan:
I'm kind of sleepy in my head, so any distraction is hard to work around. Every Sunday is where you-
Maureen:
Do you have butterflies?
Dan:
Oh, my gosh. Every Sunday, not just of quarantine, really, because what is quarantine now, but just life?
Maureen:
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way-
Dan:
Is where another Says ... It's very hard to talk right now.
Maureen:
Oh, what fun it is to ride-
Dan:
Where another episode of Says Who Special called The Town Watch ... whatever it's called ... is there for you at Patreon.com/SaysWho, every Sunday for five dollars a month throughout. There. Finally-
Maureen:
And, remember-
Dan:
... it all came out.
Maureen:
... if you're a patron, you'll probably also get access to our third podcast.
Dan:
Says Two.
Maureen:
Says Two.
Dan:
Which will launch after the disputed election begins. Ugh ...
Maureen:
Ugh ... God. You know, after we had that conversation, my lungs hurt from laughing for like eight hours.
Dan:
My chest hurt the next day. I woke up, and I was like, "What's wrong with me?" And then, I was like, "Oh, it's from laughing."
Maureen:
See you tomorrow.
Dan:
It's still funny.
Maureen:
It's still funny. Oh, God. Because it's real, you know? I think that's what's so funny is that-
Dan:
That is.
Maureen:
How many episodes of that do you think we'll do?
Dan:
I mean, a best case scenario is just over two and a half months. That's best case. That would take us from November 3rd to January 21st. But, who knows?
Maureen:
So, for five dollars a month, you'll get bonus content on Sunday. You always get Says Who on Wednesday. And then, you get Says Two ...
Dan:
Oh, we're smart people. Ah ... Do you want to tell them about books?
Maureen:
Listen, I'm going to need your help, guys, because right now, I'm writing books ...
Dan:
I wasn't expecting that lead-in.
Maureen:
Right now, writing books is real hard. Today I was comparing it to ... I've never worked as long and gotten as little done. It's like I have a recipe where they're like, "Squeeze one lime, and you should get about a tablespoon of juice," or whatever, and you're squeezing the lime, and you're like, "Come on!" And, the lime's real hard. There's no juice, and you're like, "Come on!" You're banging on the lime with a hammer, like, "Come on, you fucking lime! Juice, you motherfucker! Yeah!" And, the lime's like ... It's just putting out little drops of juice, and you're like, "No, that's not enough juice for my recipe." And, all this is to say that you'd be doing me a real solid if you got my books, or even just pretended to, or left an online review or something because your old pal is writing ... She needs to know you're up.
Dan:
Oh, no ... Oh, no ...
Maureen:
So, from me to you, if you want to get a book, why not get Truly Devious? I'll talk to you later.
Dan:
It's a book and a cry for help, and you can also buy other things if you go to Merch.SaysWhoPodcast.com, like a Do More, Doom Less mug. Let me tell you something, Maureen Johnson, I have been doing that the wrong direction these last few days. I've been dooming a lot more and doing a lot less. I need to-
Maureen:
Why?
Dan:
Just that's how it's been going. We'll get into that in a minute.
Dan:
But, you, listener, could have a mug that tells you the right order to do it in, to do more and to doom less, and get that and a lot more other stuff at Merch.SaysWhoPodcast.com.
Maureen:
See you tomorrow.
Drive Thru Kid:
Hello. Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order, please?
The Passenger:
Yeah, I'll have the ... Oh. Hey, kid. You're back. I missed you.
Drive Thru Kid:
Yeah, I'm back. I went to college yesterday, and then they closed it this morning, so now I'm back. So, can I take your order, please?
The Passenger:
You went to college yesterday? You moved all your stuff in your dorm?
Drive Thru Kid:
Yeah.
The Passenger:
Because I came here yesterday, last night, to get some stuff, and you were gone, and I didn't know what to do. So, I just sat in the parking lot all night.
Drive Thru Kid:
Yeah. I was supposed to start my freshman year of college early, and I went, and my parents drove me in, and then they-
The Passenger:
Just like those milk crates and things ...
Drive Thru Kid:
Yeah. I had the milk crates ...
The Passenger:
... and you had a back caddy ...
Drive Thru Kid:
... had some stuff from-
The Passenger:
... clip-on light ...
Drive Thru Kid:
... pictures up on the door that were funny. I thought that would be cool because people like to laugh at stuff, so I put funny things on my dorm door.
The Passenger:
Right. That must've been fun for you.
Drive Thru Kid:
It was great, and then they closed the dorms because everyone got COVID.
The Passenger:
Well, I'm going to take-
Drive Thru Kid:
But, anyway, can I take your order?
The Passenger:
I'm going to need a box of 126 crayons.
Drive Thru Kid:
That's not-
The Passenger:
... and a pencil sharpener. A Markie sharpener ...
Drive Thru Kid:
The drive-through Office Depot is nextdoor.
The Passenger:
... a green board ...
Drive Thru Kid:
It's in the other strip mall.
The Passenger:
Okay. I'll take crayon nuggets with dipping sauce. Do you have a peanut dipping sauce, like you would-
Drive Thru Kid:
No.
The Passenger:
... get in a Thai restaurant?
Drive Thru Kid:
No, that would be at a Thai restaurant.
The Passenger:
All right. I'll take gravy.
Drive Thru Kid:
We don't have gravy, either. Two strip malls down is where the drive-through Boston Market is. They have lots of gravy.
The Passenger:
So, you're not going to college now, or?
Drive Thru Kid:
Well, they closed it.
The Passenger:
Right.
Drive Thru Kid:
I can take some classes online, but so far all the teachers do is cry.
The Passenger:
You want to come work for me, or?
Drive Thru Kid:
No.
The Passenger:
You know what? Why don't you get in the car, kid? Getting an internship.
Drive Thru Kid:
No. I don't want that.
The Passenger:
Because we do things in person where I work.
Drive Thru Kid:
Yeah. That doesn't sound safe.
The Passenger:
It's not. It isn't safe, but it is in person, so you could definitely even live there if you want. I mean, I don't give a fuck.
Drive Thru Kid:
I'm fine at home.
The Passenger:
Get in the car.
Drive Thru Kid:
I have my own room.
The Passenger:
Kid, just come with me.
Drive Thru Kid:
No. Please drive through.
Maureen:
Welcome. It's like we can't even get a sentence out.
Maureen:
Welcome to Says Who, the podcast, one of many, that isn't a podcast.
Dan:
It's a COVID strategy. I'm Dan Sinker.
Maureen:
I'm Maureen Johnson. Dan, how soon will be up to seven days a week?
Dan:
Pretty soon. Pretty soon. I mean, we've already committed to three. One more and we're over half.
Maureen:
So, we'll have the election results. Then we'll have the fourth one, which I think covers the first movements of the new civil war. Then the fifth one, which, I guess, will be a kind of like ...
Dan:
The fifth one is the bunker cast.
Maureen:
I was about to say, it's like the bunker cast, where we've been building our own generators. How are you?
Dan:
I'm fine. I don't even know what is going on anymore. So, it is back to school here at our house because that's where school is now.
Maureen:
Is it?
Dan:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). And, I realized yesterday ... I was like, "Why am I so anxious?" I felt like I was having a panic attack, and it dawned on me that it was because the teen was starting high school. He had that shit all under control. It was not a worry around that. He was on it. But, just that we have achieved a balance at our house over the course of this summer moment, and now all of that balance is going out the window, and we've got to find a new balance.
Dan:
Like, every schedule was good. It all worked. Everyone had time to themselves. Everyone had time. It's like now all bets are off. So, the teen started school this week. Next week, the five-year-old starts Zoom kindergarten, which, originally, we weren't going to do. And, now we are going to give it a try. That should go well.
Maureen:
What's that like?
Dan:
I don't know. I couldn't tell you because I don't think they know yet.
Maureen:
Oh.
Dan:
They have sent somewhat vague outlines of what it is. We had pretty much all summer had resigned ourselves to, you know what ... because we never really stopped his preschool schedule over the summer because you got to fucking do something with a five-year-old. Right?
Maureen:
Right.
Dan:
So, we were like, "Well, this works. Let's just fucking keep doing this." Janice and the five-year-old study animals in the afternoon. In the morning, me and him draw those animals. We now have 13 weeks worth of animal posters up on our dining room walls. We are taking down art to hang animal posters at this point. And so, we were like, "This works. He's doing fine. He's reading and writing really well, and all the basic things you would be learning in kindergarten. Let's not mix this up."
Dan:
But, we also weren't fully ready to just be like, "Fuck it. We're out." So, we kept engaging with the district and registering for the things we need to register. And then, this week, we found out that he got assigned the same kindergarten teacher that our teenager had, who is truly one of the world's great human beings. And so, we were like, "Well, that changes the equation a little bit because even if he's just a friendly face on a computer once a day, that will be something."
Dan:
But, we also don't know what it actually means, and I don't think we'll fully find out until late next week when it begins. And, if it turns out to just be way too disruptive, I think we may end up being like, "Fuck it."
Maureen:
Do you know how many hours a day it is?
Dan:
That's one of the biggest mysteries ...
Maureen:
Oh.
Dan:
... because we know that there would be a synchronous time that all of the kids and the teacher are together at the beginning of day, like at 9:00-ish. And then, we know that there will be some asynchronous activity stuff, but it's very unclear right now, and I think that's largely because they're still figuring it out themselves.
Dan:
So, if it's too much, then I think it's too much. But, we have that luxury. We both from work so that we can manage that and be ... At least here in Illinois, legally, your kid doesn't have to be in school until first grade. So, if we decide, fuck it, we can withdraw him, and it's really not that big of a deal, though also sort of a big-ass deal.
Maureen:
So, why are you anxious?
Dan:
I don't know. I have that. My money job is kicking back into gear because it's built around a university schedule, and I have a lot going on right now, Maureen, including things like I'm not even talking about yet-
Maureen:
Oh.
Dan:
... that are ... Well, you know about them.
Maureen:
Oh, yeah.
Dan:
But, I got too many things. I got too many things. That's what I realized yesterday. I was like, "Oh, ha ha. I have too many things, and they are all kicking in right now."
Maureen:
You have too many things?
Dan:
I know. I know. It's unlike ... It's against my normal, easygoing Dan persona to have too many things going.
Maureen:
Just sitting there, doing nothing ...
Dan:
Yeah. We did have to fully rearrange our house this weekend because we realized, as opposed to when schools just abruptly ended in the spring and never really restarted ... The high school that the teen was at definitely took ... And, I would agree, a correct opinion of like, "Ah, fuck it. Let's take this easy." So, most of his schooling was spent slumped on a couch with a computer sort of on. And then, we realized they're taking a different tack and trying to really do school now, and that the basement, which is where I do my stuff, wasn't going to work well if two different people were on Zoom calls all afternoon. So, we had to rearrange his very small bedroom to fit a desk in, on top of everything else, and-
Maureen:
I saw the pictures. It's really cool looking.
Dan:
It actually turned out really nice. It's-
Maureen:
I've seen some-
Dan:
... easily the best room in the house. Granted-
Maureen:
I saw-
Dan:
... all of the other shit from the room is now strewn throughout the rest of the house. So, there's that.
Maureen:
I've seen some great pictures of people that have set up ... And, it's not that they're fancy or expensive, just like what little things they've set up for their kids' school. So, somebody who had three kids got three big pieces of ... not poster board, but that kind of project board stuff and made screens around the table. There's three little screens, and then each one has ... So, they got three of those, and then it has their name, and they each have a color. So, each of them have a little plastic caddy for their stuff, and they put a little plastic sleeve that's like, "Projects." And then, they put their name on it so that they each have a little area that's just theirs. Even though it's all at the same table, they've made these three little stations. They're really adorable.
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
But, I guess you-
Dan:
No. We-
Maureen:
It's a time of great creativity with that kind of stuff.
Dan:
Well, I mean, that's the thing. At least, the parents I know ... I mean, pretty much everyone this weekend was doing this kind of project, of like, fuck ... wait a second. We got to sort this out now. But, at least we were given the fair warning, versus this spring or versus what's happening at schools all over, and we will get into that in a minute, where they're just suddenly having to shut down again.
Dan:
So, at least we can prepare. But, it's taken a lot of mental load on my brain. I realized today that I typed Google search right into a WhatsApp window. I was like, "Oh ..." My brain does, that didn't return the thing I wanted. It just returned a lot of confused people asking why I was typing poison dart frog into a WhatsApp. Nobody sent me the picture of a poison dart frog that I needed for the drawing me and the five-year-old were doing this morning.
Maureen:
I don't have kids, Dan, and yet I ... Here's the thing about writing a book. Your job is to essentially sit down and think, which is a terrible ... It's a great job to have right now, and a terrible one, because you can do it from anywhere, but you have to sit by yourself and think, and therein lies the problem. My higher-level processing ... And, I know this is true of a lot of people. As I said this morning on Twitter, I've never worked as many hours and gotten as little out of it.
Dan:
Yeah. Definitely.
Maureen:
There's just that part of the brain ... like, I wish ... If you told me now, "Maureen, here's a bunch of stuff. Go and make a thousand sandwiches." Give me a job that I could just do. I'll make you all the sandwiches you want. I could do that, no problem. But, don't make me think because there's no brain in the brain right now.
Maureen:
So, maybe you like books. Books ...
Dan:
Are you still doing the books ad? I didn't realize-
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
... 19 minutes in that we were still doing the ads. Well-
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
... you can go to Merch.SaysWhoPodcast.com. All right. Not really. I mean, you can. But, we're not really starting over.
Maureen:
But, Dan, has anything else happened this week?
Dan:
Well, Maureen Johnson, funny you ask because first of all, it's worth noting that literally one hour to the minute from when we stopped recording last week's episode, Joe Biden announced Kamala Harris is joining up as his running mate, which lined up with both of our guesses, but made for not the most timely of content.
Maureen:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Dan:
Why are you just mm-hmming?
Maureen:
Because I know that we should be talking about it, and I don't want to.
Dan:
Okay. Great.
Maureen:
No. I'm just saying ...
Dan:
Perfect. It's what people are tuning in for.
Maureen:
I just don't want to.
Dan:
Just people ... Should I keep going through the bullet points until we find one-
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
... that you want to? What's the plan-
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
... here? Okay.
Maureen:
Yes. Go on. Go to the next one.
Dan:
All right. Well, with that announcement, the Biden team kicked off their campaign, which is now in full swing with the very weird virtual Democratic National Convention, which kicked off last night ... We are recording this on Tuesday ... with, naturally, a bunch of Republicans and also Michelle Obama. How do you feel about that one?
Maureen:
I mean, I just don't want to talk about it.
Dan:
It's cool. We're going to move through this quick. This means that, whether we like it or not, people are now realizing how much is scripted. This means that, whether we like it or not, the general election is actually going to begin, Maureen Johnson, because-
Maureen:
I don't want to talk about that. I don't-
Dan:
... the RNC is-
Maureen:
No.
Dan:
... I believe, next week.
Maureen:
I don't-
Dan:
And, with that comes the official start of the general election.
Maureen:
The only thing I'll say about this is that the lineup for the RNC is hilarious. It is the best. Scott Baio, Diamond and Silk ... I didn't see them, but they'll be on there, you know what I mean? I'm sure Diamond and Silk will be there. Some rando ... a really weird musical guest that I can't even remember who it is. Those two people that pulled a gun on a bunch of Black Lives Matter protestors, and that kid with the MAGA hat who got in the face of the Native American man. That's literally the lineup.
Dan:
Yeah. The RNC parade of shitty of people.
Maureen:
Dan, I don't want to talk about this. Here's-
Dan:
They should have a We Are the World kind of Zoom Square cutaway of just all-
Maureen:
Shit.
Dan:
... the various maskless people yelling at store clerks.
Maureen:
Basically.
Dan:
That should definitely be part of it.
Maureen:
Don't even joke, Dan. That's going to be the next one. Can I also say that Trump-loving relative ... I've gotten another bulletin from Trump-loving relative ... Or, I wouldn't say Trump-loving. Just right leaning, because I have a feeling he's less pro-Trump and more just generally right leaning. He seems to believe, and he was quoted as saying, "Democrats are the anti-maskers, and not Trump, but the Republicans are the ones getting people to wear masks."
Maureen:
I don't know. Dan?
Dan:
Hmm ...
Maureen:
I don't even know anymore. I don't want to talk about it.
Dan:
Well, here's one thing that maybe we can agree on. The general election kicking off here at the end of August, in my opinion, is the shortest general election that we have had in a while. It's essentially a two-month sprint. Maybe call it a two-and-a-half-month sprint to the actual election. In 1996, that shit felt like it lasted forever because the Democratic primaries weren't much of a primary. The general really started when Hillary Clinton announced. And, the Republicans, it was pretty clear-
Maureen:
Did you say 1996?
Dan:
I think I might've. I meant 2016. But, what is time anymore, Maureen?
Maureen:
I was like, "Uh ..." I was thinking back. I was like, "I mean, that was the second Clinton term, but ..."
Dan:
That's true. It was. That would've been-
Maureen:
I was like, "Wow."
Dan:
... also a long general. But, anyway, it does feel like, with the Democrats wrapping up the primary so quickly this year, and then, COVID just throwing everything into disarray and everyone going inside, and Biden only really reemerging last week with the Kamala Harris announcement and his bike ride, that we are going to actually have a short ... general election. I almost said "easy." That's what the pause was there. That was me self-censoring because it's not going to be easy.
Maureen:
Dan, it's also because we're starting now ... But, the backend is going to be much longer, which is what our third podcast is about.
Dan:
That's true. Oh ...
Maureen:
We're just starting a little bit late.
Dan:
Yeah. That's true. That's true.
Maureen:
We're just going to go from August until what? April?
Dan:
Yeah. Maybe. I mean, that feels like a generous brief read on it because ... Yeah, I guess you would ... But, things would advance to the Supreme Court quickly. They did in 2000. Right? They went from the Florida Supreme Court to the actual Supreme Court pretty rapidly. But, even that was what? December, when 2000 was finally sorted?
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
We're in for a long one. We're in for a long one.
Maureen:
Dan ... Now there's my Danny. There's my Danny Pants.
Maureen:
Anyway, that was fun.
Dan:
It was a good time. It's going to be even better this time because it's all mail, and they're trying to stop the mail. Do you want to talk about that? Is that a thing you'll talk about?
Maureen:
I'll talk about the mail.
Dan:
Yes ...
Maureen:
And, it's not that-
Dan:
Got one.
Maureen:
... the other things are ... I think the whole problem is at the pandemic and everything that's happening in society, my brain cannot really accept that we're actually doing this. I get to the election. I'm like, "That's not a real thing. That's not really"-
Dan:
I definitely ... I mean, we have all commented many times now on how the pandemic has fucked up our sense of time. But, I will definitely say, as somebody to whom summer means hitting the road, and we usually get back a couple of days before school starts, this idea that school has started feels very weird and foreign. August doesn't quite feel like August yet to me. So, the election sure doesn't feel like it's happening in just a few short months now.
Maureen:
We can actually say weeks at this point because we can-
Dan:
We can?
Maureen:
I mean, yeah. Let's look at the old calendar here ...
Dan:
We're what? 10 weeks, probably.
Maureen:
Let see ... One, two, three ...
Dan:
This is thrilling.
Maureen:
... seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 10. 10. Yeah. Because it's at the beginning. So 10 weeks.
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
That's not okay. 10 weeks ago ... Okay? For an example, 10 weeks ago, we were at the beginning of June.
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
Which-
Dan:
I vaguely remember the beginning of June.
Maureen:
I don't remember the beginning of June. I don't know what I was doing in June. I guess I was here. I've always been here.
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
I've always been here.
Dan:
Anyway, they're fucking with the mail. But, Maureen, you know who else was here, meaning there, where you are?
Maureen:
Yes.
Dan:
The president of the United States flew through your good city-
Maureen:
He did.
Dan:
... because his brother died.
Maureen:
His brother died.
Dan:
Yeah. Came by.
Maureen:
Yep. And then immediately went golfing.
Dan:
Yeah. Went to-
Maureen:
Trump. Not his brother.
Dan:
... Bedminster. That's like a Weekend at Bernie's thing.
Maureen:
Wouldn't surprise me.
Dan:
That would've been the most amount of time that he and his brother would spend together.
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
They're a weird family.
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
They are a weird family. We don't actually know what his brother died of, which is strange to me. I would think that if the president's brother died, you would say, "of this."
Maureen:
Yeah.
Dan:
But, we don't know. I would assume that means it's COVID, and they don't want to admit it. But, I've heard otherwise.
Maureen:
Yeah. I believe he had some other significant issues.
Dan:
Yeah. But, then they went to Bedminster, hung out. Robert Trump, who died, was in the news most recently because he sued Mary Trump over the release of her tell-all book. So, good family. Good, weird family.
Maureen:
I don't want to talk about them.
Dan:
Well, here's another aspect of the weird family that we can talk about. Accompanying Trump to Bedminster this time was Melania and Barron. It's the first time that we have seen the three of them together since ... Maureen Johnson, I shit you not, January '17.
Maureen:
That's a nice family.
Dan:
Barron is tall now.
Maureen:
He is very tall. He is tall.
Dan:
I think he might be taller than his father.
Maureen:
He is, apparently, because Trump ... Weirdly, I didn't know Trump was 6'2" because he looks like he lives under a bridge, so you'd think ... But, he's tall.
Dan:
He claims 6'2". Since becoming president, he became 6'3".
Maureen:
Oh.
Dan:
Yeah. I'm not sure what that means. I think he is over 6', but-
Maureen:
He's over 6', but Barron's taller than he is.
Dan:
Yeah. And so, if he was really 6'3", Barron would be a real, real redwood of a dude. But, anyway, last time we saw him, he had shaggy hair. Now he's got a much more Trumpian coif. And, Maureen Johnson, I still insist that it is deeply, deeply weird that we can go eight months without seeing the child that ostensibly lives at the White House.
Maureen:
During a pandemic, certainly, when you're not supposed to be anywhere else.
Dan:
Or any time.
Maureen:
Or any time.
Dan:
Any time. We talked about this before. Every fucking kid of a president is like a thing. We have a fucking shoe that joins us on this podcast, that was the shoe of Amy Carter, Jimmy Carter's fucking daughter.
Maureen:
Yes.
Dan:
And yet, somehow there's an actual child that theoretically lives in the White House that we never ever see.
Maureen:
I wonder if he has shoes.
Dan:
Who knows?
Maureen:
He might have shoes.
Dan:
He might. He might not. We don't know. He's not going to-
Maureen:
We should just-
Dan:
... school, though. His school is remote. So, we do currently have a situation where the child that lives at the White House is going to school remotely while the president of the United States continues to insist that all schools should open. So, that seems great.
Maureen:
Because school in general, Dan, seems fine.
Dan:
Oh, Maureen Johnson.
Maureen:
Do you want to ... I will talk about schools. I will talk about schools.
Dan:
There's a lot of all caps in our notes in the school section, Maureen. Just warning you. You haven't looked ahead. It's a rocky ship.
Maureen:
Dan, let's talk about school.
Dan:
Okay. You first.
Maureen:
Okay. So, I want to talk about this because last week we talked about that North Paulding High School, where it was made famous because of the photo of that crowded hallway with all the kids without the masks on. And then, a few days later, they shut down because of COVID cases. And, if I'm not mistaken, first, they found out there were cases in the building, and they didn't shut. And then, people were like, "Why haven't you shut down?" And, they're like, "Okay." And then, they shut down.
Dan:
Yeah. And-
Maureen:
So, it wasn't like they immediately slammed that door shut.
Dan:
Last week, there was North Paulding High School. There were some stories of schools in Indiana and Mississippi that were reporting COVID cases on day one. But, there wasn't a lot of additional reports about schools. That's because they hadn't opened. Last week was the beginning of August. Now schools are really starting to open, and they are closing again. I saw a figure this morning that 71 of the 82 counties in Mississippi are now reporting COVID outbreaks in schools.
Maureen:
That's a lot.
Dan:
There's one district in Georgia, not North Paulding, that has 1,200 students and staff now isolating. One of the schools in that district that I think has fully shut is an elementary school called ... Maureen Johnson ... Hasty Elementary.
Maureen:
I'm never going to get over that.
Dan:
I know. And then, there's the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, which, yesterday, one week after resuming their classes, and two weeks after students moved into the dorms, announced that they were moving back to remote classes, and kids starting moving out of the dorms, after hundreds of students tested positive for COVID.
Maureen:
Dan, I need you to breathe.
Dan:
Not breathing, Maureen, because-
Maureen:
Dan.
Dan:
What the fuck, Maureen? Why is this a lesson that we have to keep learning and relearning and relearning and relearning? Because Maureen, here's the fucking deal. We're living through a pandemic. Why can't we just fucking take that as the fucking baseline? The virus wants one thing, to replicate. That's it. That's all it wants. It's not fucking evil. It's not picking sides. It is just a dumb, fucking virus, and it is following Biology 101. In this fucking case, the whole deal is basically if you breathe into somebody's wet hole, they get COVID.
Maureen:
Don't say wet hole.
Dan:
That's it. That's all. Just fucking breathing into a wet hole. And yet, somehow we can't fucking handle it. And, by we, I don't mean anywhere but goddamn America because every other fucking wealthy country on this fucking globe has sorted this shit out.
Maureen:
For the most part.
Dan:
But us? We fucking reopen restaurants first because somehow going to the Outback Steakhouse was more important than anything. And, people got sick, but we kept reopening shit anyway because then, well, I got this steak, so I should be able to go to the bar. And, now we realize that maybe that was a mistake. But, let's do it on an even fucking grander scale with children, as if somehow it's not going to do the same fucking thing that it already did a month and a half ago when we learned this lesson.
Dan:
The virus wants one fucking thing, Maureen. And, we just keep giving it to them. We just keep giving wet holes, ready for breathing.
Maureen:
I mean ... Yeah. Yes? Yeah. I mean ... Dan, it's ...
Dan:
I get the inclination that somehow we can outsmart a virus. But, you know what? I think maybe the third time it fucks us, we can realize we can't.
Maureen:
Dan ... Dan, you're-
Dan:
Okay. First time, we didn't know. It's cool. First time, it's a gimme. We'll take a fucking mulligan on that 25,000 dead people. Second time feels like maybe it's our fault. Third time is definitely our fault.
Maureen:
Dan, have you ever been to a water park?
Dan:
I have.
Maureen:
It's awesome. And, do you know what? I feel like if we can't have our water parks, we can't have our Señor Frog's, if we can't have a margarita machine ... Goddamn it, Dan. This is America. And, that means some of us need to go to Cracker Barrel or The Cheesecake Factory. And then, we're just going to assume everything's fine.
Dan:
I remember really early in the sort of ... I now think of the pandemic in phases, like my own existence of it is in phases. And, I would say late in phase one, which was this sort of shit-what-is-this phase, I remember a friend of mine who lives in rural Virginia said, "I just drove by the barbecue place near my house, and they have a sign out front that says, "Risk it for brisket." And-
Maureen:
[crosstalk 00:38:38]
Dan:
... every restaurant that I still go by now, that's what I think. Risk it for brisket. I always think, I would risk it for brisket, but I wouldn't risk it for that.
Maureen:
Let me tell you what I see walking around New York City, Dan, because we had it bad here, and now we're doing better for sure. But, we had it bad. When you walk down the street, first, you'll see every block has at least two closed businesses. There's just business closings all over the fucking place. Then you'll see any restaurants that haven't closed ... I laugh ... It's mostly nervousness, Dan.
Maureen:
They've given over part of the street or the sidewalk, and people have built ... They've tried their best. They build these barricades, and then they put out the tables, and people eat outside because for a couple more weeks, people will be able to eat outside, and then that will not be possible anymore. I see a lot of people maskless, sitting at tables, and servers just having to come up to those tables over and over again. And, I get real queasy watching them have to do that.
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
And then, I move on quickly. I see that nail salons are open, but generally there's nobody in them.
Maureen:
So, you look, and you see the people working in there who have ... That industry has had a lot of exploitation of its workers and people. They're not making a lot of money, and they're just sitting in there. And, I mean, you see the ravages of it, and you see just how much we really need to get this under control.
Maureen:
But, you see the people that are being forced to face the maskless or, for example, in Oklahoma ... I think it was yesterday where one district ... They had a positive case, but they're like, "Oh, he was asymptomatic." They thought it was okay for him to be there. And so, they just sent this person they knew had COVID right into the school.
Maureen:
Or, I sent you a message yesterday of a random person just tweeted that they sent their kid off to school in one mask, and they came home with another one. They're little kids, and so they swapped masks at lunch. Or, the teachers that are having to go up in front of these classrooms, and they have to do things like build plastic barricades, put lines in the front of the room, wear a face shield ...
Dan:
Yeah. The Says Whovian group in Facebook is full of folks that are either going back because they are students or going back because they are teachers. There was a preschool teacher who teaches in Florida, and they went back, and she posted that she got in trouble on her first day back, Maureen Johnson, because she wanted to increase the airflow in her classroom, which is one of the things that everyone says you really should try to do. Ventilation and airflow is good. She got in trouble for opening the windows because their safety protocol is that you don't open windows because, Maureen, the windows are bulletproof.
Maureen:
Yeah. It's that normal balance of school shootings and COVID ... How do we make it all work together?
Dan:
Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. There's a lot of folks in that group that are just telling stories of crawling around on the floor, trying to measure out how far six feet between desks is so that the kids and the folks that you need to have come back are going to be spaced out enough. There was another person that posted their college started back up. The mask policy is that it's optional, and the school was hosting back to school laser tag, a carnival, and escape rooms.
Maureen:
I've got to go, Dan.
Dan:
I don't get it.
Maureen:
Do we know what college is because I need ...
Dan:
I don't. I don't think that they named it because I think they got to live there.
Maureen:
Escape rooms ... I'd heard that someone mentioned escape rooms. I was like, "Surely, there are no escape rooms open anywhere right now."
Dan:
I didn't even like them before the pandemic.
Maureen:
Oh, I like an escape room. I love an escape room. America's basically one big escape room right now.
Dan:
It's really what it is.
Maureen:
I know multiple people who are-
Dan:
Except it's the easiest fucking puzzle in the world to solve, except we won't solve it.
Maureen:
I do know a number of people who are actively like, "How can I leave this country and never come back?"
Dan:
Oh, definitely. Yeah. Definitely. Anyway, if you are listening and you are a teacher, a librarian at a school, somebody going to a school, a parent that's fucking dealing with either the stress of having to send your kid to a school because you don't have another option, or dealing with the stress of your kids being home instead, we see you.
Maureen:
Because, presumably, if they're in school now, that probably won't continue.
Dan:
Probably not.
Maureen:
I mean, just to get a broad sense of this, on average, the shut down time of schools that have opened so far is like a week?
Dan:
Seems to be about a week.
Maureen:
It seems to be about a week.
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
Chapel Hill ... I mean, they moved in two weeks ago, and school started a week ago.
Dan:
Yeah. It seems like it's a week, but that's because there's one case on day one, and then three cases on day three, and then the media gets alerted, and then they're like, "Shit. We better shut down."
Maureen:
Also-
Dan:
Right? Kids ...
Maureen:
... you have schools like Penn State, from my home state, where they decided to reopen the school, but in order to go, you have to sign this waiver that says, in essence, "If you die, it's on you."
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
I've heard that's not that uncommon. I've heard of that happening even in high schools.
Dan:
Yeah. I mean, we-
Maureen:
That puts students ... have to sign waivers.
Dan:
America generally has done a really terrible job at any sort of COVID abatement, but we have done incredible work in making sure that there is no liability. There was another Says Whovian pinged me on Twitter today. She works at a university, a very large university. They're trying to figure out which of their dorms they are going to designate as the COVID quarantine dorm, and they realized that the one that they had flagged as the COVID dorm is probably not big enough.
Maureen:
That's hard to hear.
Dan:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah. Let me tell you, though, shit's got to get wild in a college COVID dorm.
Maureen:
I mean, yes. I mean-
Dan:
Fuck it! We already got it.
Maureen:
Let's get weird!
Dan:
It's going to get fucking weird in here. Everyone, come breathe in my hole.
Maureen:
Okay. Dan. I don't even know what I would've been like in this. I feel like I would've been so desperate to go to school and just get out that I would've been like, "It's fine. Just go." Because that's the attitude.
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
I get it. At the same time ... I don't know, Dan. Sometimes I think we're not handling it well.
Dan:
Oh, I think we're fine. What do you mean?
Maureen:
New Zealand got four cases. Four cases and they reestablished lockdown.
Dan:
Yeah. And, I will point out that Donald Trump has attempted to make hay of that fact and has said, "Well, New Zealand is doing terribly now." It's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa ... Wait a second, motherfucker."
Maureen:
Oh, my dude ...
Dan:
Send me over. I'll investigate. Please.
Maureen:
Oh, yeah. And, all of us are like, "How do we get into ... Come on, New Zealand. What do you need from us? Hi, it's us." Knock knock knock ...
Dan:
Before this outbreak hit New Zealand, this latest outbreak, which is, again, measured in single digits, they and Fiji had both just celebrated their 100th day without a case. And, a friend of mine, she tweeted out, "I was supposed to be in Fiji and New Zealand literally right now." She had had it planned ... once-in-a-lifetime trip to Oceania for that moment. She couldn't go because you can't travel anywhere. But, that's where she would've been.
Maureen:
We can't go anywhere. Schools are not doing well. Oh, no ...
Dan:
Oh, no ...
Maureen:
Oh, no ...
Dan:
Oh, no ...
Maureen:
Oh, no ... I mean-
Dan:
Oh, no ...
Maureen:
Oh, no ...
Dan:
Oh, no ...
Maureen:
Aw, no ... oh, no ...
Dan:
Oh, no ... no ...
Maureen:
What are we going to do? So, basically, by November, everyone will be home?
Dan:
Yeah. I would think so. I would think so, but you know what we'll all be doing? We'll all be home reading your governor's book, which is coming out in October, about how he beat the coronavirus.
Maureen:
I want to know, as someone who writes books ... And, I know that he didn't do it. He had a ghost, but still, he would've had to dictate notes. I want to know how he did that shit. I'm angry. I'm offended. I don't know ...
Dan:
Also, Maureen-
Maureen:
It upsets me.
Dan:
I hope that I am proven wrong in this, but if I was the governor of a state that gets cold for a lot of the year, during a pandemic, which everyone has said is going to be worse in the fall and winter than it was in the spring and summer, I would not plan-
Maureen:
It's a move, isn't it?
Dan:
... the release of my victory lap book in October.
Maureen:
It has a very mission-accomplished feel to it.
Dan:
Yeah. Really feels like you're tempting fate there. Again, I hope to be proven wrong.
Maureen:
It makes me very nervous.
Dan:
Yeah. You think? I don't know why.
Maureen:
It makes me very nervous, Dan. It makes me very nervous, Dan. As someone who lives here in New York, it's very nervous making.
Maureen:
I've tried to explain to people what being in New York now is like. I don't know if I talked about this on one of our many podcasts. But, when people think about New York, they usually mention a couple things. You come to New York, and you go to the theater, and then you go to a restaurant. You might go up in the Empire State building.
Maureen:
But, it's a city that is busy during the day, and then it's really alive at night. That's really a big impression people have of us. It's accurate. And, I've tried to explain that nothing happens at night. There's nowhere to go. All the stuff that we're known for isn't happening. All the theaters have been shut since March ... April?
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
I guess March. So, all of our theaters are shut. All of our restaurants were shut. The museums are kind of a little bit open. Recently, they opened, but at low capacity. I don't know. I don't think the Empire State Building's open. I'm not really sure. But, basically, all the stuff that you would come for just ... There's no clubs. There's no dancing. There's no theater. There's no restaurants. Nothing happens at night. Nothing. Everyone's just home. That's so surreal to think about, based on what kind of place this is-
Dan:
The good news is that homes in New York are very spacious.
Maureen:
They're not. Yeah, they're not, and a lot of people live in New York. You might live in a very small space because you're never ... A lot of people are just never at home. They just sleep there. So, some people's houses are the size of a closet, and they're like, "Well, who's ever here anyway?" I don't, but some people live in 500 square feet or something, and their desk is also a toilet, which is also a stove.
Maureen:
It's a very weird thing to realize that you don't see anybody coming ... Nobody's going to the opera. Nobody's going to the orchestra. Nobody's going to ... There's no bars. There's nothing. Everything's just closed. You see takeout, delivery people on bikes. But, that's it. People walk their dogs. That's it. There's just nothing else going on. It's super weird.
Maureen:
And, we're in August now, which means in about four or five weeks, as the temperatures ... Well, September and October, we'll coast through, but as things start to close again, I'm like, "I really don't know what that looks like again. A fall in New York with nothing open."
Dan:
I truly don't understand all of the places that are moving to outdoor dining as if that is a one-season, maybe two-season thing. And then what?
Maureen:
I mean-
Dan:
We've moved all our restaurants outside. Last time I checked, you all usually have two big-ass blizzards a year.
Maureen:
Yeah. I mean, it gives them some revenue, and it helps them. But, again, it's very nervous-making to watch all of the diners that sit there without masks on, and then the people that have to come up and keep serving them.
Dan:
Yeah. It's not good. It's not good.
Maureen:
I haven't been to one. I mean, I don't even sit on a bench outside. I don't really go outside. I mean, I walk the dog, but I don't do anything outside. We haven't sat outside and eaten or anything like that. I really don't know what ... Our November's like, Thanksgiving! Parade! December, everybody shopping, tree, busy ... That's our season. People flood into town to see the Rockettes and all that stuff. None of that's happening, and I don't know what that looks like yet. It's very surreal to think of. But, that's where we're at.
Maureen:
So, I'm saying that it seems ... Cuomo, maybe slow your roll a little bit.
Dan:
No, he's rolling. He is rolling. And, you know who else is rolling?
Dan:
You, because you are the one that makes Says Who possible through your support of our Patreon at Patreon.com/SaysWho. That Patreon is where every Sunday, you get a whole other episode of Says Who because we're smart.
Maureen:
Right.
Dan:
If you are a five-dollar-a-month backer, there's a Sunday special that is ... I've stopped calling it Quarantine Sunday because let's get real now. That's just what's Sunday is now.
Maureen:
No, Dan, you have to ... No. I don't accept that. You have to keep calling it Quarantine Sunday.
Dan:
I guess.
Maureen:
No. Don't you say I guess.
Dan:
I don't know.
Maureen:
No.
Dan:
I realized at day 150 I didn't know why I was still indoors. I don't know. Is this just life? Is it a quarantine? Is it a lockdown? Is it just how things are now? I don't know. So, maybe it's a Quarantine Sunday. Maybe it's just a normal Sunday. Maybe those two things are the same thing. Patreon.com/SaysWho.
Maureen:
The bigger realization I've had recently is that I am absolutely unprepared to go back out again.
Dan:
Oh, most def.
Maureen:
I'm like, "I don't know what that is. I don't think I can do that."
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
That's not for me.
Dan:
That whole outdoor thing.
Maureen:
I may just throw away all my makeup because makeup ... It lasts, but it doesn't last forever, and it's been five months ... really? I mean, a lot of this stuff, I should probably just chuck it and start over again in a year.
Dan:
I just imagine you doing a very goopy, lumpy book Zoom at some point. You're like, "I put makeup on."
Maureen:
Oh, God.
Dan:
It looks you have leprosy.
Maureen:
Hi ...
Dan:
One of your eyes is stuck closed.
Maureen:
Hi, guys. It's me, Maureen. Hey ...
Dan:
Oh ... Whoa.
Maureen:
Hey.
Dan:
Oh, my. That was a real-
Maureen:
Hey, can I just say something?
Dan:
That was a scary transition. Yes.
Maureen:
Did you see that video of my man driving his car?
Dan:
I did.
Maureen:
Sexy.
Dan:
I mean, I guess.
Maureen:
He looks good. He looks good, doesn't he?
Dan:
Yeah. He looks elderly, but fit.
Maureen:
He's looking good in those slacks.
Dan:
Yeah.
Maureen:
Yummy, yummy!
Dan:
Okay.
Maureen:
That's what I call a slacks attack. Yum yum yum. Yum yum yum yum yum!
Dan:
I don't want to go there.
Dan:
Our theme music is performed by Ted Leo.
Maureen:
Yummy yummy fun horns.
Dan:
Our logo was designed by-
Maureen:
Look at his butt! Did you ever see his butt? He's got a long butt. Yum ... tasty.
Dan:
Our logo was designed by Dorothy. You can contact us at Says Who Podcast on Twitter. You can email at Hey ... That is H-E-Y ... at SaysWhoPodcast.com. You can join the discussion on Facebook at Slash Group Slash SaysWhovians. Our Facebook group is moderated by Janice Dillard. Spread the word. Subscribe, and please do leave stars and reviews. People have been leaving reviews, and they are very wonderful. Thank you for doing that on Apple Podcast or wherever you listen.
Dan:
You can join us next Wednesday, August 26th, for our next episode. And, of course, there's Sunday. And, we're just 10 weeks away from the Tuesday episodes, too. So ...
Maureen:
See you tomorrow.
Dan:
... from my basement in Chicago, I'm Dan Sinker.
Maureen:
Oh, and from New York, where everything's fixed ... I'm Maureen Johnson. And-
Dan:
This has been Says Who.
Maureen:
... it's been Says Who. Oh, no, it's been Says Who. See you tomorrow. Oh, no ... oh, no ...